Breaking the chain or over-reacting? Help!
Hi everyone,
I’m the adult daughter of an alcoholic mother, who died 10 years ago of alcohol toxicity when my child was an infant.
My child is super skittish about alcohol, and really doesn’t like it when my husband or I have a drink. Alcohol isn’t part of our daily lives thankfully, but on holiday we have a cocktail in the evening, or when we have guests we will have a wine with dinner.
It’s been increasingly on my mind, to just give it up completely, to ease their anxieties, but the thing holding me back is that I want my child to have a healthy relationship with alcohol, rather than it be the enemy.
I might be completely wrong, i’m just doing my best as we all do with our kids i’m sure.
There is also always the niggling doubt in my mind, that I know i’m statistically more likely to be an alcoholic because my mum was. There were a lot of alcoholics on my mum’s side of the family, all died far younger than they should have due to complications of drink. So i can’t dismiss their anxieties as an impossibility, alcohol ruined my relationship with my mother, and ultimately killed her.
My question is – What have your experiences been of considering and managing your own relationship with alcohol, and that of your child/ren? Do you have alcohol in moderation? Absolutely no judgement from me either way – i’m just interested to hear others who have been in my boat.
Hi,
Thank you so much for sharing what’s going on for you at the moment. I'm sorry to hear of your ongoing issues with your late mother's drinking. It's a very positive attitude to encourage your child/ren to have a healthy relationship with alcohol. However, it's entirely your decision to abstain altogether if you wish. There are some good no/low alcohol alternatives on the market now.
I'm unsure of the current research regarding children of alcoholics becoming alcohol dependent themselves. Please be reassured that this isn't always the case.
It can feel really hard to know where to step with our own relationship with alcohol after growing up around alcoholism. Nacoa has two publications, ‘Alcohol self diagnosis’ and ‘Alcohol other person diagnosis’ which might be helpful for reflecting on your own drinking, how you would like it to look and also how you’ve been impacted by your mum’s drinking too.
https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Alcohol-Other-Person-Diagnosis.pdf
https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Alcohol-Self-Diagnosis.pdf
That said, whatever you decide, it’s so important you know that the choice is your own and it’s okay to drink sometimes or not at all.
Would you be able to speak with your child about what it is they don’t like when you and your husband drink? I wonder if it could go some way as to reassuring you both by having it out in the open.
Having a support network is very important whilst navigating these issues. I'm wondering if you have anyone you could discuss this with? Have you considered accessing any support services available for help and advice?
NACOA offers a free helpline and various information leaflets (0800 358 3456 helpline@nacoa.org.uk). There's also Al-Anon which offers support to families of alcoholics whether or not that person is still in their life (0800 0086 811 helpline@al-anonuk.org.uk). You may wish to consider some counselling sessions with a qualified therapist (counselling-directory.org.uk).
You can always call or email Nacoa’s helpline too.
I really hope you can hear from some more voices on the message board. You’re doing a hugely important thing for yourself in sharing.
Listener
As the daughter of an alcoholic dad - this is something I have wrestled with personally for myself & for my now young adult kids. I always worried that I would become an alcoholic as it can be inherited, as you say. I was lucky that I have never enjoyed it and disliked the fuzziness it brings. I drank a bit socially in my 20s & 30s but stopped after that and now I am tee-total. But my husband drinks occasional beers & red wine which I can cope with as he stops after a glass or two. We even have wine in the house which would have unnerved me in the past. But the bigger challenge for me is how to talk about alcohol with my kids and warn them but not scared them or push them into rebelling. So we have let them drink at parties, held teen parties with plenty of drinking going on & looked after my son when he has drunk too much (especially linked to playing rugby!) But each time we talk about how it makes him feel & how to limit his consumption as he entered his 20s. He has decided to quit drinking for a year to give his body a rest and he has a lot on. We have supported that. He has given my daughter great advice on drinking at uni - keep off spirits & don't drink on a sad mood. She has (mostly) kept to that! But again after she has drunk too much & maybe had a bad experience - we have talked about it. Hope this is not too long-winded but it's to suggest talking about your use of alcohol openly & saying it's limited to X occasions and only 1-2 glasses and you are in control of that. Maybe that might reassure your child and when they reach drinking age they can buy talking openly to you find an approach to alcohol that suits them & is not fearful. Good luck & glad you can enjoy the odd cocktail & glass of wine.