Alcoholic Mother
Hi, sorry for the long message ahead.
For context I live in a multi-generational household, where my parents basically act like they are divorced but legally aren’t (e.g., don’t speak to each other or share the same room). I think my Mum has had brief instances of alcohol abuse when I was younger (I’m now in my early 20s), however since lockdown she has basically been a functioning alcoholic. Throughout the past 5 years she has basically been rock bottom and her mental health has deteriorated ( anxiety and depression) but she has gotten more stable in the past year or two. She knows she has an addiction and has had periods where she has gone sober and received some form of support, however this only lasts several months at a time. During this time period, I had moved out for university for four years and left my younger sister at home. No one in the household spoke or acknowledged the fact that my mother has an alcohol problem and it basically gets brushed under. This also meant that my sister and I basically received no support. My mother also does not speak to my Dad’s parents (who we also live with). Ive really struggled over these past few years not having the motherly love and support I have so desperately needed and it has made our relationship distant, to the point where it feels like she is just a person i live with. Ive also had to essentially step up and act like a third parent to my sister too. Since moving back from university my mother has started drinking again, she has lost her job (MH reasons), and keeps spending money on loads of cheap and unnecessary things. Whenever she drinks she also likes to message random family members paragraphs upon paragraphs of nonsense, is constantly on the phone all day, or posts bizarre paragraphs of emotional nonsense on social media. She obsesses over other people and makes plans with them but doesnt do anything with her own children. Any time i try to confront her she denies she is drinking or says she needs to sort stuff out then she will stop.
Apologies for the ramble but basically I just don’t know what to do. I love her so much and all i want for her is to get better. I hate seeing her like this and i hate the fact im starting to resent her. She’s had a tough upbringing and life in general, which has led to unresolved trauma but she doesnt acknowledge that side of it all.
Hi,
First of all I want to reassure you that there’s always space for you here. The message boards are a safe space for you to share what’s on your mind and be heard by others. I’m glad you wrote all of this out and I hope it helped to.
You’re not alone, and the feeling of going unsupported when a parent isn’t able or ready to receive support for their alcoholism is a common one. I can hear the love you have for mum, it’s okay to love her and hate the alcoholism. Feeling resentment is valid, you’ve experienced loss and grief from this too which deserves space to be felt.
I’m so sorry that you’ve had to step us as a parent for your sister too, sometimes that can come at the loss of parts of our own childhood and relationship with that parent. It’s unfair that you’ve had to deal with this without help for so long. I’m glad you listened to the instinct to share here, there are others who understand and I can hope you can begin to get the support you deserve.
Have you seen the ‘Family Illness’ publication? It’s got some good guidance around the different ways families evolve to cope around dysfunction. It also looks at some of the roles we can take on, often without realising. I wonder if you can see yourself in any of those?
https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Alcohol-the-Family-Illness.pdf
Whilst it doesn’t make it easier for those that love them, denial is a common response to raising concerns about someone’s drinking when they have a problem. Often people can use alcohol to cope, to get through the day or to manage painful feelings, over time it can feel like it’s eroded all other coping mechanisms which can make the idea of giving up feel overwhelming.
Support is available for people with alcoholism but the choice to engage in recovery must come from them. A really important part is that our own recovery doesn’t have to be linear with our parents. Support is available for you now, or for whenever you’d like it. You deserve healing and space to feel whatever comes up through your journey.
Do you have anyone you’re able to talk with about the impact this has had and is having on you?
Nacoa’s helpline is always open to you too. You can always call, email and continue to use the message boards too.
There’s also other organisations that can offer support like Alanon and Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families, who offer group meetings.
I hope you can hear from others here too! And, please, do keep sharing if you find it helpful. We’re honoured to listen.
Hi
I hope that some of the suggestions in the previous reply were helpful. It is so important that you look after yourself so that you can support those closest to you. It really does help to be able to talk with others who understand. I hope you've managed to find your own support network too.
Please try and remember the six Cs:
I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
This isn't your fault and it's okay to have boundaries and step back where you need to. I can imagine it must be difficult living in a multi-generational household where some family members aren't communicating with each other.
You may be interested in SMART friends and family groups. This is a programme that invites participants to spend time concentrating on themselves and their goals. You may find this supportive as you've recently graduated from university.
Please understand you are not alone.
Hi,
First of all you do not need to apologise for rambling, this is what these message boards and nacoa are here for, to listen and provide support.
It is a positive thing to be proactive in asking for support and reaching out, continue to do so as you need.
It must be very challenging for you watching your mum spiral. The first thing to accept is there is nothing you can do to fix your mum. It is not your responsibility. You can support her as far as is comfortable for you, but the only person who can take control of your mum's illness is her.
It is common for alcoholics to deny their issues, sometimes because of their own shame, and sadness. It is always recommended to only talk about an alcoholic's drinking when they are sober and in a place to listen coherently. Even then they may still be in denial. Again, don't blame yourself.
It is always difficult when someone has had a hard life and dealt with trauma, like you say your mum has. People deal with trauma in so many ways, again you can't process it for her.
It is hard to feel helpless, and not know what to do, but you say you are at university, focus and channel your energy into positive activities that bring you joy, continue to reach out to support groups but know it is not your responsibility or obligation to fix your mum.