How do I live my life
My dad has had issues with alcohol misuse all my life. As a veteran with severe ptsd, he has used alcohol to numb his memories. The last few months, he has been drunk every day, some days completely intoxicated. He harms himself, he goes missing, and then passes out.
This is hard for my mum who lives with him. This is hard for me who doesn’t live with him.
All I think about is how they are doing, I visit them multiple times a week.
I just don’t know how to live my life normally anymore. How do I carry on working, socialising, taking care of my home, when I know things are terrible.
I know there is nothing I can do, I know they are adults and responsible for themselves.
I’m tired of the same conversations, I’m tired of feeling like I’m getting somewhere with my dad and then finding out nothing has changed.
I feel like I’m grieving a parent that’s still alive and I don’t know how to live my life without it hanging over me always.
I’m nearly 30, and I feel broken.
Hi and welcome to our community. We are a lovely bunch of people who lived experience of what you are going through.
This must he horrendous for you all especially your dad with PTSD. It's notorious that COAs are overlooked and I'm currently doing some research around families of the military and I'm so pleased you found us because there doesn't seem to be anything specific there.
My main advice would be to be there for your mum and vice versa. You both need to protect yourselves to be able to live your daily life. The constant worry can manifest itself into other things. Find something you enjoy to give your mind a rest. Speak to someone about how your feeling. The Nacoa helpline is amazing. They can just chat with u to reassure you. Virtual hugs coming your way x
Hi Pixiepenelope,
Thank you for sharing - I can really identify with feeling responsible for your parents and their happiness. But as you say - they are adults and responsible for themselves.
I don't know if you've come across the six Cs on the Nacoa website, but they might be worth reading:
- I didn’t cause it
- I can’t control it
- I can’t cure it
- I can take care of myself
- I can communicate my feelings
- I can make healthy choices
I think for a lot of us COAs, we think taking care of ourselves is being selfish. But that's really not true.
What kind of things do you enjoy doing with your time? Could you make plans in the coming weeks to make sure you're doing some nice things for yourself?
Take care and, as another poster has said, remember the Nacoa helpline is there if you ever need to talk to someone.
Hi,
Thank you for sharing here and for telling us how things are feeling for you.
The first thing I want to say is that you’re not alone. It sounds exhausting to be carrying so much worry, grief and disappointment. How was it to write this out? You are always welcome to share here. There are others who will understand and you don’t have to navigate this by yourself.
The feeling of grieving a parent who is still alive is very common amongst COA’s and it sounds natural you would be grieving your dad from what you’ve shared. Grief does have a habit of infiltrating every little corner of our lives and ‘hanging over us’ always.
There’s a good article on grief here, if you wanted to have a look:
The One Thing No One Ever Says About Grieving - Thrive Global
The Nacoa helpline is here for you too, whether you want a listening ear or some signposting to services in your area. They will listen, never judge and truly do understand. You can call or email and there is no limit to the number of times a person can be in touch. The helpline number is 0800 358 3456 or you can email helpline@nacoa.org.uk.
Thank you again for sharing as much as you have of your story,
Listener
I so identify with grieving an alcoholic parent before they have died. They do get lost in drinking with just glimmers of the person they were. It's so tragic and upsetting. But you do deserve to live your life and can't become your Dad's parent or stop him drinking. Maybe try cutting down the numbers of times a week you visit, suggest to your Mum you meet her outside the house and do something nice together and suggest she gets some support herself - maybe from Al-anon. I know it's easier said than done and there will be guilty feelings but I hope you can take some steps to create some space for yourself.
I know exactly how you feel in terms of that grieving process. I feel like I’m just waiting for that call everyday.
I think you really do need to put yourself first. And I know it’s hard. I had to limit contact in the home with my mum and try and do things outside of it to be able to sustain that relationship and not be overwhelmed by what my dad is doing. It really helped for a time - it’s difficult in moments of crisis but we have to start somewhere with boundaries I suppose. Sounds like we’re a similar age too. I’ve found some success with family groups with dear Albert - albeit they are sometimes difficult if everyone else is having positive times but worth looking in to x