I have never admitted this before
No-one that knows me (apart from immediate family) knows that I live with my mother who is alcohol dependent and has been all of my life. I am in my late 30’s now and I feel as if I need to escape and create my own life because nothing is changing, if anything it is getting worse.
I was the eldest child, I have a younger brother, who I helped raise whilst my mother was intoxicated most evenings and weekends. I still live at home, a consequence from my upbringing I assume as I missed lots of school and had very low self esteem. Both my parents are heavy drinkers, yet my father can handle his drink and although he enjoys a drink, especially the social aspect, he can and does manage without a drink everyday. My mother on the other hand becomes very intoxicated very quickly and goes from sober to incapable with no in-between. I would say nearly every time she drinks, it ends up in her not remembering what she did the next day. As a child, and now an adult I have tried to look after her the best I can, picked up the pieces, driven her to hospital, rang ambulances etc. and endlessly pleaded with her to stop drinking. I have tried and tried to make her see what she is doing, that this behavior is harmful and she can get help but it falls on deaf ears. As a child this deeply hurt as I could not understand why she prioritized alcohol over me, now I understand it is an addiction but that doesn’t make the pain any easier to deal with.
However her health is declining, she does not eat properly, she is drinking in secret, has given up work and has zero other interests or hobbies other than drinking. I can see what lies ahead and it terrifies me but again I cannot make her see sense or listen. I have had my own mental health issues, and have worked hard to overcome these. I now have a job that I love, I have started university, I have my pets and some good people around me, even if I do not confide in them. I work hard, often starting early morning and my sleep is interrupted due to my mothers drinking, I feel constant anxiety wondering what will happen today, what will I be going home to etc. and I am constantly having disagreements with my mum because she is lying, constantly denying things and saying I and everyone else is the problem.
Moving out would be of great benefit to me but as I am currently at university my finances are limited, so I feel trapped in this cycle. I have never spoken to anyone about this before, and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I think I have carried guilt and shame around with me my whole life, that wasn’t mine to start with. I love my mother dearly but at nearly 40, I can no longer sacrifice my life, my happiness and my health ….I don’t know what I aim to achieve by writing this but hopefully this can be the start of progress. Thank you for reading š
Hi Laila,
Iām so sorry you are going through this and have been for so long :( I completely understand the mix of hurt, guilt and shame you feel. I go through the same with my dad who refuses to get help for his addiction. It really does feel like a vicious cycle sometimes of trying to get them to change, realising your efforts are hopeless, feeling like giving up on them and moving on with your life, then feeling guilty for giving up, and eventually get your hopes up that āmaybe this timeā if I convince them hard enough, they will change.. and then it all repeats. I just wanted to reach out to let you know youāre not alone.
I really do think the healthiest thing you can do in this situation is to focus on the things you can control - like working hard at your degree, thinking toward future career goals, taking care of your pets.. etc. Sadly one of the things you arenāt able to control is your mumās addiction, so focusing on what areas of your life you do have control over can hopefully help you to prioritise yourself more - which is what you deserve.
I understand moving out isnāt an option at the moment but I really do think if that is a possibility in the future then that would really help too. Iāve moved out from my parents fully now and I do find it helps me feel less depressed about my dadās alcoholism. Although, it also hurts a ton that any time I go to visit him, he is drunk :(
Reaching out to friends to let them know what youāre going through can also lift some of the weight from your shoulders. I appreciate that you have chosen to keep it private and I fully respect that, although it is something worth considering too. Thatās what friends are for after all - being able to lean on each other when life is tough :)
Iām really sorry for what you are going through. Sending lots of love and support your way <3