In an awful situation that’s only getting worse
Hi everyone,
I’m the child of two functioning alcoholics, finding this space with similar experiences is already helping me.
Both parents have been alcohol dependent for as long as I can remember, there’s no getting through to them and neither me or my siblings have ever been able to convince them to change.
My Mum in particular is a complete addict, I remember discovering empty whisky bottles in her handbag when I was a kid (I’m now in my 30s).
She’s had some previous trips to hospital because of this but has always somehow managed to hide them from me and my brothers (one was a fall down the stairs and she discharged herself and walked home on a broken leg).
I should add on top of this, she has become more and more of a shut away-not leaving the house for months and neglecting herself in terms of hygiene. She lives with my Dad but he’s a) also alcohol dependent and b) much older so unable to act as a carer.
Last summer, everything came to a head and Mum ended up in hospital and was there for weeks. At the time it was upsetting and we thought she may die. For context, I’m getting married in 3 weeks time and when she got admitted last summer I came to terms with my Mum not being at my wedding-something that’s always been a possibility but very sad nonetheless.
Both me and my brothers begged and pleaded with NHS staff to provide us with care for our Mum and advice but no one listened and just sent our Mum home with no mental health support (the main issue she was in for related to her back). However, with support from family members it seemed Mum was improving-drinking less, not smoking and making herself more mobile. She was excited to come to my wedding.
As of last Thursday it’s all gone backwards. It turns out she was sneaking alcohol again (with my Dad’s enablement) and she fell down the stairs and broke her hip. She’s now in hospital and has been successfully treated for her hip but is now being held by the addiction team and is refusing to acknowledge she has a problem- she’s insisted she never drinks despite them having to give her medication for alcohol withdrawals to prevent a seizure. I know she’s going to refuse any treatment offered and get nasty with family members. I’m devastated and am not sure what to do. I now have to come to terms again with my Mum not being at my wedding or not being there in a capacity she feels comfortable with.
Sorry for the long post, just want to get it all out to people who will hopefully understand.
Hi,
I'm sorry to hear of this situation, having both parents suffer from the same problem along with the hope that they'll make it to your wedding must not be easy.
The lying around drinking is as you would expect very common, even when it's entirely obvious. Infact, although I don't know the exact number I would imagine the amount of alcoholics that are honest about their drinking is a very small percentage.
I can imagine convincing them of their problem would be compounded by as you mentioned that they actually help each other do it and in a sense it becomes somewhat normal due to being around someone else doing it everyday in their house.
The first step is for them to admit there is a problem and get help but that tends to be the hardest step. I'm gonna to link a publication from Nacoa about how they recommend speaking to someone with a drink problem, hopefully it will prove useful. Regardless of how it goes with them coming to the wedding or not, it sounds to me that you've tried hard.
https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/How-can-I-talk-to-a-friend_family-member-about-their-drinking.pdf
Regards,
Listerner
This sounds very difficult to deal with and I resonate with you with some of my experiences.
Congratulations on your forth coming wedding.
My mam went into hospital after a GP trip. I still don't know to this day what persuaded her to go. She should have been on the gastro ward but was tachycardic because her body was shutting down. She told the a&e triage she drank a bottle of wine a day. It was lies as there were no wine bottles in her house. It was all vodka bottles. She went through detox in hospital and I seen some sides to her that wasn't my mam. Screaming and shouting at nurses etc being mean and just awful. She wasn't like this she was a lovely woman. I learned this was the toxins leaving her brain. By week 3 she 100% knew what she had done and what she had to do going forward. She lasted 3 months sober and I'm so pleased we got that time. She died 9 months later with alcohol liver disease and other conditions associated with alcohol. I wish I found nacoa sooner because she had died by then. I am so pleased you found us to support you through this. Health professionals ignored me too. I screamed and cried down the phone for a GP to come and do a home visit before she died. They even gave her anti depressants which stated on the front to avoid alcohol. The drug and alcohol services passed off my feelings because she didn't want the help and because she chose to drink there was no support for me. Apart from a charity that had a group and it wasn't helpful at all. It was a competition of who's life or family addicts took the highest of class drugs. We got you here at nacoa. We will support you 💙
Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
I'm so sorry to hear what you went through with your Mum and for your loss. It really is unbearable to witness and go through. I'm also sorry to hear that you were let down by health providers as well, it's so frustrating.
Very glad to have found nacoa, I've felt very alone in all this for years and never thought I'd hear similar stories to mine.
Thank you for making me feel less alone even when I'm going through this tough time.
Really feel for you. The lead up to a wedding is stressful at the best of times but made so much worse when there is worry about an alcoholic parent and if they will turn up and how they will behave if they do. I had the same in the run up to my wedding with my Dad and my brother. In the end I just tried really hard to make it my/my husband's day. I hope you can do the same and enjoy the people who do turn up. I am sure your mum does love you and wants to be at your wedding but her drinking just makes her too unwell to be able to be there. Do have a wonderful wedding day and know that you have the best wishes from the NACOA community for your special day.