Korsakoffs/alcohol induced dementia
It’s been a heavy day, as my 87-year old dad who has been an alcoholic all his life is now suffering (although undiagnosed) with most likely Korsakoffs or alcohol induced dementia. We had a best interests meeting with Social Services and it was decided he needs to be in care because he’s a danger to himself and others.
It’s been 12 months of repeated admissions, being told he doesn’t have capacity and then suddenly finding out they’re sending him home. He’s calling the police through his careline bracelet all the time saying his deceased wife has been kidnapped and his money has been stolen.
It has just brought all of it to the surface again. My dad has been a (functional) alcoholic de since even before me and my sister were born, he was abusive physically and mentally, we moved house around 20 times as he’d rent these grand places, lose his money (or not even have it in the first place, he was a real del boy) and we’d default on payments and have to move in the night sometimes. He’s never been a real Dad to us, we suspect he’s a narcissist and maybe a sociopath as he cares very little for others. He’s never been involved in my sons life, I’ve never had my dad to help decorate or do things dad’s generally do. It would be so much easier to have gone no contact but he’s still my dad and I’m not him as I actually have empathy. And over the years maybe I’ve had a foolish hope that he might change. There’s a lot more than that but I just can’t make it make sense.
I haven’t had contact with him this year much, I think I’ve seen him twice (once when the neighbours asked me to go up as he was being difficult) but it’s the repeated phone calls from police sometimes in the middle of the night,
So yeah, when they said that they will apply for an order of protection through the courts I came off the call and cried – part relief and part old wounds being reopened again. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too far as we’ve been told he lacks capacity and can’t go home multiple times this last 12-18 months and then suddenly he is discharged but maybe this time they will put him somewhere and I’ll at least know he’s safe and there’s not something that’s going to come up and I’ll be responsible for. I feel like if I estrange myself then when he dies there will be a messy situation I’m unprepared for if I don’t keep myself up to date (as there’s a whole mess waiting for then! I’m fairly sure his house goes to my stepmum’s family as although he’s named on it she bought it with her money and it explicitly stated in her will when she died 2.5 years ago. Plus I know nothing of his finances but suspect some may be dodgy)
It would seem (for anyone in the same situation) that mental health act is muddied when alcohol is involved and he’s ended up in limbo with mental health services refusing because of the alcohol, and the same for dementia services. This seems very unfair as it’s different if someone who has good understanding when they are sober is entitled to make their own (bad) choices to continue drinking, but each admission they still assessed him with no capacity even after being in for several weeks and having withdrawn from alcohol. It’s to do with the deprivation of liberties and having to try the least restrictive options first.
So yeah…. I feel silly for staying involved, I feel silly for feeling drained and emotional after just a zoom call about him and having to allow it to take up mental space again. My sister stays out of it all so it’s just me.
Hi
Please be reassured that you're not silly for staying involved as, from your message, it appears you're the only relative that the police and social services can contact. I really hope you hear from some others and, most of all, know you're not alone.
As you say, it's sensible to keep abreast of the issues concerning your dad to avoid being unaware of his situation and any confusion when he dies. You say your sister stays out of it which is understandable. Would you feel able to talk to her about the effect that supporting your dad is having on you?
I'm sorry you feel drained and emotional but these are normal (and healing) responses to issues you've been carrying for a long time. The feeling of relief must be overwhelming to know that your dad (and others) will be safe. Where you can, please try and remember the six C's:
I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
There's lots of COA specific support available which you may find helpful. AlAnon and ACA both run peer support groups. There's also SMART friends and family groups which is a programme that invites participants to spend time concentrating on themselves. This may be something to relearn after focussing on someone else's needs for so long. Your needs matter and are important so please don't forget that.
I hope the message boards can be helpful too in sharing with others who can understand. You can always access Nacoa's helpline too which is open 10am - 7pm Monday - Saturday 0800 358 3456 or email helpline@nacoa.org.uk.
I agree that it does seem to be a grey area around the issue of capacity when differing health issues are involved and you get passed between different agencies.
Hello poster
Thank you for reaching out. I must admit I haven’t heard of alcohol induced dementia so that’s a learning moment for me.
You’re not silly. This is a big thing that you are having to face. I’m sorry to hear old wounds keep being opened with the inconsistencies of other services. I hope that you manage to get a good outcome for you and your dad this time round.
Sounds like you are doing the best for your son and not letting your dad see him, I imagine this comes from a place of protection so your son doesn’t feel the heartbreak that you have growing up.
You are doing and will continue to do so well with moving forward.
You have reached out to a safe space, where your feelings are valid and understood by so many who will read your post.
Thank you for being brave. Please do keep us updated and check in when you can.
X
Hi Caz,
First of all you are not silly staying involved and you are not silly for feeling drained. Staying involved takes immense strength, even when it does drain you, be kind to yourself.
My uncle drunk took drugs and also has alcohol induced dementia. It is deeply disturbing to watch, and he went missing from his sheltered housing for a few days a few years ago, because of confusion, it is not pleasant at all. I am sorry you are living through this.
Continue to find your support system, NACOA, friends, family, people you can trust, and people who you can lean on when you are feeling drained.
Remember you can't pour from an empty cup, so do look after yourself through this difficult period
Hey, I just wanted to say I am going through a similar-ish situation with both my parents also lifelong alcoholics and now reaching the end of their lives. My rule for myself, as to how much I get involved, is that I will only help to the point it isn’t affecting my own mental health. When that begins I will back off and detach for a while. I have also booked in as many nice things with friends as I can over the next few months, to remind myself life can be good.
I’m a bit suspicious about services talking about doing ‘the least restrictive option first’. It is also the least expensive option for the local authority! I suspect that may be influencing decisions too.
I have also decided that the level of my siblings involvement has nothing to do with me. That is their choice. If they don’t do something, it doesn’t mean I have to do it. Your Dad wasn’t there for you and I don’t think you have to be there for him. Like you, I have decided I will stay connected, but I think it’s important to give yourself permission to step away if and when you need to. I do know that’s easier said than done. I ‘tolerate the guilt’ as a counsellor once encouraged me to do!
Good luck . This will end.