My moms ruining my life
My mom is an alcoholic and quite frankly it’s ruining my life. She doesn’t want help, she says she doesn’t want to get better because there’s no point so I don’t know how to support her anymore. I’m exhausted trying to look after someone who doesn’t want to be looked after but I can’t just abandon her. I can’t leave her to drink herself to death because I’m sure that’s what she wants. She says we’d (me and siblings) would be better off without her anyway. It’s hard to reason with her, I don’t remember the last time she was ever really fully sober and in a head space where are was prepared to talk. She has narcissistic tendencies and likes to play the victim and if I ever do try to tell her how I’m feeling, how she makes me feel she will immediately turn back on me and tell me I’m being mean, or that I’m having a go at her. I never raise my voice and often remind her that even though she makes it very difficult I still love her and I’m not leaving but sometimes I wish I could. Honestly the only thing stopping me is that I can’t leave behind younger siblings. They are in no danger but it wouldn’t be fair, as the oldest I have always taken the burden of things and am there to pick up each time. I wish I could just drop her off to a clinic and they could magic her better. I feel trapped sometimes, if I’m at work or out trying to have fun she’s constantly in the back of mind. I find I obsessively check our ring doorbell to make sure she’s home because even if she’s drunk, I know she’s safe there. More than once I’ve had to make excuses at work to come home and I can’t live like this forever but who else will look after her. Im so fortunate to have a partner who semi understands the situation but I don’t think will ever truly grasp the situation or how I feel. I suppose he’s lucky. If you’ve never lived with it, you will never understand it. ‘Just get some help’. I’m sure you all, like me, are sick of people saying that.
Thank you for reading this rant, it hasn’t particularly made me feel better, but getting it written down is better than bottling it up.
I’m so glad you came here to share how you’re feeling. It really does help to talk to someone about it as at least you aren’t holding it all inside. I’m sorry the situation is so difficult for you and I understand your feelings completely. Living with a parent who is addicted to alcohol can lead to so many emotions, I’m sensing from your post that you might feel angry, hurt, guilty, frustrated…it is normal to feel a range of emotions while supporting a loved one with an addiction. It sounds like it is a huge distraction in your life as you describe thinking of her while at work or out with friends. Is it possible you could speak to someone about how you feel? Many workplaces offer EAP’s (employee assistance programmes) where you can access confidential counselling and other support. You can also try to get support through Relate or by speaking to your GP for advice. You can call the NACOA helpline to speak to someone if you need to just talk about it. It’s important to have some good self care and stress relief if you can too, it can be so stressful living with someone who is abusing alcohol so having outlets to relieve stress like creative hobbies, journaling or nature walks can be helpful. Are there any other relatives who could support you and your siblings? You are not alone. It can be helpful to remember the 6 c’s from NACOA as well:
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
Take good care of yourself <3
My mum was an alcoholic. Later on we suspected some underline reason. Never could it be proved. When mum did go to get help she was scared. Almost scared to be sober and face reality. She died when I was 18. I did not understand her until she past. To this day her family have nothing nice to say about her. They only knew the alcoholic. I knew my mum and did not give up on her. Remember alcohol can also be a mask. Stay strong and do what you can for your siblings. They need the help if your mum can't help herself.
I’m so glad that you could share here. You are right, even if it doesn’t make you feel much better right now, it is better to get these things out of our heads than to bottle them up. I want to start this response by just validating you that it really is okay to be sick of people saying things that don’t get it. It’s also okay to feel frustrated, upset or angry at the situation you have grown up around and are still in.
I can really hear the burden of things, as you’ve described. It sounds like it could be exhausting to have to be so available to pick up the pieces for mum and your younger siblings all the time.
You said writing things down didn’t particularly help this time, are there things that do help? What does relief look like for you?
To have to make excuses to leave work and feel torn between places sounds so stressful, it’s so important that you know it is okay to communicate that you’re juggling additional caring roles for your family and may need some workplace support or understanding. Does communicating with your workplace feel like an option?
There’s a lot of questions in this response, please know you don’t have to respond to them. More important is that you’re not alone, truly. There are others who will read your post, relate and feel some relief in being seen through your words too. Thank you so much for sharing what you already have.
Listener
Hi feelinglost,
Thank you so much for sharing your frustrations, your situation and worries. I can guarantee that people on here are reading your story and can empathise with you how frustrating your situation is, and will nod along (I did) with your post. Yes, sick of hearing 'Just get help' or similar things. If you’ve never lived with it, you will never fully understand it - so SO true! people on here get you!
I won't repeat what other comments have suggested, as there are a lot of things you can explore, and I hope you found them helpful.
In addition to other comments I wanted to say this:
Your mothers addiction is not your fault. You didn't cause it. And it is not your responsibility to fix it. That doesn't mean you wouldn't be there to help - you totally would be! Your siblings are also not your responsibility. That doesn't mean you wouldn't be there to help them and support them, you would! You are your responsibility. You have to take care of you. It sounds that you are at the point where your situation is negatively impacting your life - work, fun, your mind. That is not healthy for you. You said it yourself - you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, you are right. I know this doesn't immediately change your situation, but maybe this helps your mindset, helps to look at things differently? What is one small thing you can do for yourself that will help with your situation? Is it a boundary you can put in place?
The huge responsibility of an older child you have taken on is massive, and I completely understand your point of view, but don't be so hard on yourself, this is not yours to carry, at least not alone.
All the best, and really wish for you to find your way to navigate this situation.