Newbie here
Hi everyone,
I am new here but have been reading all the posts from children to adults and have to say they all resonated with me in some way and thank you so much for sharing. I just wished there was something like this when I was younger then I would not have felt so alone.
I had the best mum in the world, I truly did then when I was 10 she split up from my Dad and met someone else. That is when the drinking started and I started to lose a bit of my mum day by day. There followed 7 years of hell when I lived through her severe alcoholism and what that brought with it. This was the 1980s so there was no help, no social media and I had to navigate this alone all the time trying to portray normality to the outside world. I was told I was evil, the violence from her partner on her was my fault , everything was my fault apparently. She lost all her friends and family didn’t want to know her, I was the only one who stuck by her side but that was never good enough. I used to walk home from school and get to the top of my road and the fear would set in. What was I going to walk into today physical or mental abuse ?
I left home at 17 but my mum and her alcoholism continued to impact on my life. She would turn up at my flat and work drunk. I felt embarrassed and shame but then felt guilty for feeling that. maybe I was evil after all ? I spent 20 years trying to cure my mum and seek her approval, If only I had known about the 6 Cs then!
My mum passed away when my first child was 1 and I felt relief which only fed into the negative feelings I had about myself. I thought I was bad and everyone hated me but I had grieved for my mum over the previous 20 years. I was glad my children would not remember her because I could just tell them the stories of when she was the best mum in the world. I was glad that I wouldn’t have to worry about her turning up at my home or work and causing chaos
I threw myself into looking after my kids and making sure they didn’t grow up with the feelings I had but all the time there was the voice in my head telling myself I was bad, bad things would happen and all my friends were my friends because they were nice people and put up with me.
This story is not all doom and gloom as a few years ago I met a lovely lady who was a drug and alcohol counsellor. She seemed to see me and made me question why I would think everyone hates me. That set me off on a journey which ended with me realising it was not my fault and I am actually a good person (so they tell me) . I now understand why I had those feelings and now when my inner voice sometimes pops up I know why and don’t listen to!
It has taken me a long time to find some inner peace and learn to love myself but I have and I do. Reading some of the posts here today has reinforced that though ,as so many things I have read here sound familiar
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. I am sorry you have had this experience and that there was no support for you when you needed it. I am really glad you have now found Nacoa. It is never too late to share your story and connect with those who have had such similar experiences.
Please know that you are not and never have been bad or evil, and that none of what happened was ever your fault. Your mum made choices that were out of your control. It is ok to feel some relief in her passing - that she will no longer cause chaos in your life or that your children will never have to experience any of the feelings you did as a child.
It is great to hear you have connected with a person that is able to help you see that this was not your fault and help you to question the beliefs you hold about yourself. I am so glad you have finally been able to let some of that inner peace in and to quieten that inner voice. I hope sharing your story has helped you and I know reading your experience will help others.
I hope that now you have found Nacoa, they can continue to provide support whenever you may need it.
Take care