Parents split
Hi all so this is a lot to get through
My dad and mum are splitting up as my mum has fallen out of love with him and had her heart broken by his alcoholism, manipulative behaviour and continuous lying and broken promises. They were never married so legally it’s all pretty easy, but my dad is heartbroken as he claims he had no idea how far things had gotten and how much had gone wrong. I don’t think he’s lying, I think it’s hard for addicts to see where their addiction has lead them. I’m at peace with the fact none of us can undo what’s happened to us and that we can just work on ourselves for the future, but it becomes incredibly difficult when my dad is continuing a lot of his negative behaviour (rudeness, dumping emotional turmoil on his kids, self-depreciation, even now making public facebook posts that are very personal and involve a lot of not very good things i won’t get into)
Me and my sisters are trying our best to offer him support and he’s been trying to get out more and connect with people who understand his struggles, but he’s still hurting us and genuinely doesn’t seem to understand what he’s done wrong as continues to use us as an emotional dumping ground.
My mum is great, in general, and has worked really hard in therapy to improve her behaviour and understand her past actions and is making up for them. She split up with my dad but wants to co-habit and remain friends and she still cares for him, but he makes it so straining on all of us that we don’t even know if it’ll be possible. I think she’s quite stubborn and finds it difficult to talk to my dad in a way that’s productive (that’s on both of them though not solely my dad.) I think she did the right thing, because if she’d continued pretending she would just end up hating and resenting him, she’s spent most of her life the last 25 years caring for people (her kids, then her elderly mum, and now my father as his physical health issues have gotten worse over the last few years.) She still wants to care for him because she cares about him, but she can’t put herself in a position where she’s pretending to love him. She’s even said to me that it has nothing to do with wanting to date anyone, it’s that she can’t be with him that way anymore. She spent months deliberating about it and she did not come to that decision lightly. She’s taken responsibility for her own short comings, for ignoring all the bad behaviour and allowing dad to continue drinking.
But I’m afraid if they never talk about it properly, if still my dad refuses to listen and my mum stays so stubborn then they’ll live separately and hate each other and leave us kids to have to chose between them.
I refuse to choose between them, and I’m going to tell them as much. If they make me choose, then I’ll choose neither. I have a friend who’s willing to rent out part of their house to me for super cheap (they own the house since their mother passed), I have work opportunities lined up and my own support system if they can’t grow up.
I’m hoping it won’t come to that, we have family therapy coming up, so I’m hoping that will work for us, I’m hoping my dad will listen and my mum will be straight about what she wants (she’s very stubborn and struggles to upfront, especially when she knows my dad won’t listen.)
Ugh yeah I just needed to get this off my chest. I love both my parents, I just want us to be happy and healthy.
Hi thebigdipper,
I'm really pleased you felt able to share all of this. It sounds like you need a space to externalise what has been going on with your family, and how you've been feeling inside. These message boards can be a safe space for you whenever you need it.
While you are at peace with the past, you are still going through a lot of difficulty with the break up of your parents and your dad's behaviour. It sounds like you carry a lot for your dad, which is a lot of pressure and can understandably feel like it's wearing you down.
You mentioned that your dad can't see what he has done / is doing wrong. This is very common in addiction as denial can be so powerful. Have you expressed to him how his behaviour is affecting you? Sometimes this can help and sometimes writing a letter can be very therapeutic, even if you don't ever intend on giving it to your dad. Hopefully you will have a chance to externalise some of this with your upcoming family therapy too - I really hope that helps.
It's clear how much love and empathy you have for your parents and how much you want things to get better. Trying to shift at least some of the focus back on to yourself is really positive, so I'm pleased you have your own support system and work / living opportunities you can draw on when necessary.
Do keep reaching out whenever you need to, and take good care of yourself.
Listener <3