Saying hello, as a system who grew up with an alcoholic mum
We’ve been meaning to post something here for ages, but we decided we’ll finally take some time and say hello. So, hey world, we’re the Riders and Racers system. You can call us
It’s hard to know where to begin… but the biggest way our mum impacted us was in hypervigilance, feeling responsible for everyone and everything around us, and emotional suppression. We were constantly anxious about mum being sick again, and when she’d pick us up from school and we smelt that… smell of white wine and sweat, we knew we had to be on our guard again. What went through our head, time and time again was… until Dad gets home from work, we’re alone and have to make sure we don’t anger her (hiding our panic, being quiet and ‘good’), and watch over both her and us to keep us safe, because there’s always a chance she’ll fall or something and we’ll have to deal with it. We were always in some form forced to be an adult, constantly anxious and trying to keep everything together and going well, because if we didn’t, things would go wrong and we’d blame ourselves for ‘not being good enough’ or not ‘doing enough’ about a situation that we can’t control. That last part eventually turned into compulsive checking of news and endless worrying, preparing for the absolute worst that could happen, to try and both prevent it from happening, and to be ready if it did. There was always that chance us or those we love would be hurt, and it felt like it would be our fault if it happens. We had to save everyone, including ourselves, and we couldn’t be scared, or angry, or hurt.
We suppressed our anger at mum for ages, because it wasn’t safe to. Even with Dad, he was also hiding it too: he told us a few times to be careful who we told about it, as he didn’t want us taken into care and making things worse. Keep the lie up of a normal family… and never have any of your needs properly taken into care, and never be heard for fear of retribution by mum, even if it was a hypothetical. It still feels strange to this day being taken care of by others, and we’re still learning how to talk about our identity (being queer, neurodivergent and plural) and our emotions with Dad. He’s only recently accepted he has PTSD and was appeasing mum’s addiction, as he always thought that when she’d get better it would be the last time… he wouldn’t accept there was no point.
We don’t know what caused mum’s addiction. She had trauma she refused to unpack, despite getting therapy. She, somewhere, had a good heart. She loved us and was always proud of us, when she was able to express it. Other times, it came out as guilt, such as buying us gifts/being a bit more leniant on us then Dad was. We’re only learning to accept that now… and it hurts to realise that even the good things we saw in her at the time were marred by her sickness and her inability to change. It was denial that destroyed her heart, and her refusal to do anything lasting about it. She tried, but she would always give in. We’ll never know why, now she’s been gone for almost 4 years.
To be honest, we don’t really know what word to put to all of this. It’s abuse and emotional neglect mixed together, and it’s an awful, awful mixture to try and deal with. We… wanted to ask if anyone else has been through similar. How do you cope with hypervigilance and feeling like you have to save everyone? How do you start overcoming the fear that you will be the same? It’s taken us until this summer to be able to start drinking, and there’s still a fear that we’ll end up like her now, that we’ll someday not be responsible and make our fight to break this cycle and heal all for nothing. How do you start letting yourself feel things and know that… emotions are not a bad thing? How do you start feeling understood? How do we find our place in this world without a mum to guide us?
It’s complicated and weird and messy. But we’re here, all of us. Many of us system members are originally from our special interests: Kamen Rider (superhero J-drama series) and Formula 1 amongst other racing series, and other shows too. That’s where our system name comes from! Because when your outerworld is constantly unsafe, and you’ve got to hide to survive, you’ll look for ways to understand being a child of trauma, being undiagnosed autistic, and not knowing you’re queer anywhere… and it was these shows that became us, and our lives. (The system term for this is introjection, and the members from these sources are called fictives or factives respectively.) That’s why we are who we are. Many of us are determined, passionate and emotional heroes fighting to break family cycles linked to where our powers come from back in our source medias… and that’s who we are. Now, it’s about trying to let ourselves be people, and live… and not have to save the world every time something goes wrong. We do that, of course, we’re Riders etc! But… we also deserve joy, love and peace, just as anyone else on this earth. It’s a long journey to get there… but we’ve all been through this before, and we’re all here together to do exactly that: to make a life where we can all be at peace.
Hi Riders and Racer’s system,
Welcome to the message boards! I’m so glad you’ve posted and I do hope that you can all find some comfort and community here. You’re not alone and there are others who understand.
I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your mum in 2021 as well as the trauma you have had to navigate.
It sounds so exhausting to have had to be so alert for so long, it’s understandable that you learnt this as a way to feel you could keep yourselves and those you loved safe. I’m so sorry that so much of that responsibility fell on your shoulders. You were just a child, and this was never your fault.
Often here at Nacoa we talk about something called The Six C’s.
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
It sounds both yourselves and dad have been on a huge journey of acceptance and self-understanding. Are you more able to speak with dad about your experiences with mum now?
There can be huge grief in being a COA and I really hear you when you say it hurts to realise even the good things were sometimes marred. You are right too that often alcoholism is a symptom of untreated trauma or mental health and people don’t choose to become so unwell. Of course, this doesn’t take away the hurt, pain and trauma we can experience, and your feelings are valid. Even the ones that can be harder to sit with, like anger and frustration.
To try and give some guidance on your questions. Hypervigilance is a really common response to trauma or to being pushed into a parental position from a young age. Have you ever received any therapy or support around this? Different things work for different people but I do hope you can hear from some others here about what has helped them.
Something that can be helpful is reflecting on those six C’s too. We can’t control someone’s behaviour or cure it, no matter how badly we want to save them. We can take care of ourselves, communicate our feelings and make choices that are healthy for us. Verbalising our feelings and reaching out, exactly as you have done can be a part of that.
Feelings of fear or worry over our own alcohol consumption is also a common response for COA’s. Something that may help is looking at Nacoa’s ‘Alcohol self diagnosis’ and ‘Alcohol other person diagnosis’. It might help to be able to reflect on the differences between yours and your mum’s drinking.
nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Alcohol-Self-Diagnosis.pdf
nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Alcohol-Other-Person-Diagnosis.pdf
It’s really important you can know that you are already breaking the cycle and, whatever shapes the future takes, that still exists. You, all of you, are enough.
When we have been made to feel we have to suppress our feelings it can be so hard to learn to listen and hold space for the feelings we have. It may be that some counselling could be of benefit. It can also help to know that no feeling is bad or deserves to be judged, we have control of our actions but we don’t always have control of our feelings – if you can, try and give yourself grace for whatever feelings arise. Often, they just want to be heard.
There’s a great organisation for young people bereaved called ‘Let’s Talk about Loss’, they offer social meet up’s across the country. They’re for anyone aged 18 to 35 to talk about grief, connect with other young grieves and share stories and struggles without fear, judgement or awkward silences.
letstalkaboutloss.org
Another organisation, away from grief, is Alanon who offer peer support groups for anyone affected by someone else’s drinking, regardless of it that person is still in your life. There’s never a pressure to share at a meeting and sometimes it can be enough to be in a room with others who understand.
ACA is another great organisation, ACA (Adult children of alcoholics) is a community for people who grew up in alcoholic and dysfunctional homes. They offer a safe, non-judgmental environment that allows us to grieve our childhoods and conduct an honest inventory of ourselves and our family so that we may identify and heal our core trauma, experience freedom from shame and abandonment, and become our own loving parent.
Finally, you’re always welcome to contact Nacoa’s helpline too. Their helpline volunteers are here to listen and will never judge. You can have space to talk things through, explore your feelings and also how you might like things to look differently. You are welcome to call on 0800 358 3456 or email helpline@nacoa.org.uk.
Thank you so much for sharing some of your story, I really hope that you can hear from some others here too and know, truly, you aren’t alone.
Listener