Unhappy Birthdays, as a child of an alcoholic
Earlier this month was my birthday, a very big one for me and one I never thought I’d make it to. I am so proud of myself for making it as far as I have and I just wanted for one of my birthdays to feel like an actual celebration of me. But it couldn’t be. Because it can never be. Celebrating with all my family? My alcoholic, emotionally 3-year-old father is gonna whine and cry when things aren’t about him!
Well why don’t I try hanging out with my siblings? Loud incorrect buzzer! They literally do not view me as an equal and put everything in else in their lives above me, just like they have my entire life!
Just spend the weekend with one relative? It’ll be nice until your dad decides he’s salty and starts messaging you guys to ruin your day!
For a long time now, I’ve had my birthdays ruined by something/someone or just not celebrated at all. And ykw? I’m gonna be mad about it. People are like “oh youngest siblings get everything” but conveniently leave out the fact I’m constantly being left behind, have received emotional neglect my whole life and am used as a punching bag or emotional dumping ground by not just our parents but my siblings too!
Shout out to my therapist and my friends being the only people to wish me a happy birthday and not start berating or dumping on me in the same breath
Hi,
Thank you for sharing here. I’m so glad you had space to write this out, how did it feel for sharing it?
It can feel impossibly hard to navigate and step back from the chaos that often accompanies dysfunctional families. I’m sorry to hear that you had to navigate that on a day that was so important for you, you’re right, it should feel about you. It’s okay to feel anger, frustration and hurt. Your feelings are valid.
This year sounds a huge milestone for you. I’m so glad that you made it here and that you’re able to feel proud of yourself in doing so. I’m glad too that you do have those around you that care for you and were able to recognise the importance of your birthday.
You are right, that things aren’t always easier for younger siblings and age order doesn’t mean an escape from the trauma and hurt that can come with being a COA. Have you seen the family illness publication? It’s got some good insights into roles we can fall into as children in trying to adapt to dysfunction in the family. In recognising these, sometimes we can begin to untangle ourselves from them.
You’re always welcome to let your thoughts and feelings out here. There are others who understand. And you’re welcome too to use Nacoa’s helpline, calls and emails. They will listen, never judge and will always do their best to create a space that feels safe to talk for you. You can call on 0800 358 3456 or email helpline@nacoa.org.uk.
With best wishes,
Listener
Firstly, can I say belated happy birthday and send all good wishes for the year ahead. We share a birthday month! I really feel for you having a family dominated by your dad's alcoholism - been there myself. Birthdays are when this all feels so upsetting and unfair. I'm glad to hear your therapist and friends could celebrate with you. These are the people you choose. Your fellow COAs are with you too. Take care.