Well and truly on the rollercoaster as a COA
Hello to all my fellow COA’s
Here’s to all of us on our respective journeys, our strength, our patience, our love, our fight, our tears, our frustrations, our anger, our anxieties, our being.
3 months after discovering NACOA and my first message board post I want to say how grateful I am to have found NACOA, it has been a beacon of hope and enlightenment for me personally.
So Dads journey isn’t getting any better, despite initially acknowledging his alcoholism and reaching out to the county recovery services the lies and denial continue in abundance, and I get it, it is who he is, what he’s become and right now I’m accepting of that, this cruel mistress called alcohol that’s tightened its grip around him like constricting serpent squeezing every ounce dignity, integrity and self awareness out of him.
He’s always been a boozer, he’s 69 now, the last 20 years have been the worst, steadily progressing from ale to red wine, from red wine to Brandy, to Cherry, and now it’s Vodka and a bottle a day which we estimate is his consumption.
Some weeks I find myself so sad for him, to see what he has become, to know that 40 years ago he’d never have wanted to see himself in the condition he is now, I’ve cried for him and grieved for the life he once had, and the Dad I could’ve had, the family we could have been.
Other weeks I’m angry, really angry, the lies, the deception, the selfishness, the narcissism, the entitlement, how dare he, who does he think he is, doing as he pleases slowly drinking himself to death without a care for his loved ones, the wake of chaos and disruption his drinking leaves as he ploughs onward, but again, I get it, it’s not truly him, it’s the alcohol that’s changed him and changes him to this day.
I love him, he’s my dad, he’s one of the most hilarious people I’ve ever met, witty, sharp, and intelligent but those traits are fast becoming a distant memory and seldom show themselves anymore, it’s so sad. He’s a shadow of the person he was a year ago, let alone 20 years ago, his weight has plummeted from 14 stone to just under 9 stone, he eats little, has no appetite, he’s skeletal and emaciated.
Through therapy I’m coming to understand just how much Dads drinking has impacted my life, how I behave, and why. There’s an awful lot still left to unpack and I know that’s not going to be easy but I feel now at 43 years of age I’m ready to start getting amongst it as I have been for a few months.
I’ve found openness about Dads illness a good way to be, I’ll openly tell people, colleagues at work, sports teammates etc…. in the right moment if I feel it warrants it “My fathers an alcoholic and I’m his primary carer and next of kin”….. I’ve found people understand or at least take it away as an important bit of info about me and what I’m going through, it helps, especially when I need to shoot off to help him or take a call. Doing this around a full time senior role is not easy, but the structure and consistency of work helps me, it’s normal and reliable, something my life has never been. Though I’ve learned the hard way to not pile into work when Dads drinking gets me down as this can be dangerous, a tendency to absorb myself in work when work life balance is needed.
As a family we are totally open and chat about Dads drinking with what I feel is the right balance of practicality and, dare I say it humour, dark humour, some might find that odd but it works for me and us. I find there are times where seeing something which can lighten a dark moment for a second or three is not a bad thing, but each to our own.
My relationship with alcohol over the years has always been an challenging one, from late teenage and early 20’s years where heading out with friend and late nights binge drinking were the norm, to growing older seeing the negative impact of alcohol misuse can have, I’ve come to the pint where I can take it or leave it, and I chose to leave it, I’m not a good me when I’ve had a drink, nothing majorly terrible but my mood deepens to a more depressive outlook and I can get sharp and cranky, so in an effort to be the best version of myself I can be for others I chose to leave it alone, weirdly I take pride in that because it means I’m braking the cycle from lived and environmental influences from Dad. Something I’ve lived with for many years is a constant thought of “do not end up like your dad!”….
Growing up being dragged in and out of pubs and social clubs from the age of 5/6 was fun at the time, my brother and I knew no better, and with a football under arm or cricket bat and ball we simply busied ourselves in the car park or sports fields honing our skills whilst Dad drank in the bars. Poor Mum, stuck at home being the dutiful wife as Dad did as he pleased.
As I grew into my teenage years, became more aware of ‘adulting’ I inadvertently became ‘the fixer’ or as I’ve come to learn ‘hero child’ trying to save Mum, save my brother, call dad out, be the man of the house, and do my best to keep it all together, no child should have this burden placed on such young shoulders, but many of us COAs do don’t we,
Wishing all my fellow COAs love, self love, self care, continued strength, patience, and hope. Our journey is not a flat straight path, but we adapt, overcome and carry on, you guys are the strongest people I’ve come to know, thank you for sharing all your stories and experiences, I’m grateful, they give me hope, a feeling I’m not alone, and strength.
Whatever your circumstances be kind to yourself, and check in on here for support and guidance from the lovely members of NACOA.
Bye for now.
Thank you for sharing this. First time posting on here and I can really relate to a lot of what you said.
I grieved the loss of my own father long before he actually passed. I also held a lot of anger towards him in the final stages of his life. It's been almost 10 years since he left us and to some extent, I still struggle with feelings of anger now. I believe it's good to live through your emotions, you have every right to feel frustrated, let down, disappointed, yet through my own experiences, I can tell you anger will only disserve you. "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"...