Strange Times
My mam passed away 8 years ago with alcohol dependency. There was myself and my sister. I’ve always had a complex toxic relationship with her and around 7 years ago we had a argument about my mams addiction and how I dealt with it. She cut off the whole family because they stuck up for me. When I say whole I mean aunties, cousins and friends etc. She just disappeared.
I found out last week that she passed away. She had an illness and she would not allow her husband to tell me even near the end. I feel like she’s still punishing me. I feel in true fashion she’s left a bomb over me and worse still I was left to call all of my family to tell them without any warning and to tell them that we are not welcome (her choice) to the funeral.
I grieved for years ago but I am struggling to process the feelings. I’m sad because she took away the chance to make amends, relieved because I no longer have the fear of her vicious words but angry that right up until the end she still controlled the hold over me and left me with all the mess when she left 7 years ago. I know for one I am so strong mental health wise from all the work I’ve put in over the years and I have to hold onto that but I have all of these bad memories of my mam and her coming back to the surface and I’m unsure how to process them.
Hi,
I’m truly sorry to hear about the loss of your mum you had to navigate when you were so young. And for the complex loss you’re navigating now with your sister. The sadness, relief and anger that you mention are all incredibly valid. This sounds such a confusing time for you. So often too, regardless of time, grief triggers grief. It sounds so hard to be experiencing memories returning to the surface of both your mum and sister.
How is your support network at the moment? It’s really important that you have space to be heard in how things feel right now.
It’s great that you thought to post here. You aren’t alone and there others at Nacoa who understand. Please remember that Nacoa is here for you and if you would like any one to one support, please don't hesitate to contact the helpline (helpline@nacoa.org.uk / 0800 358 3456).
Listener