The wider impact
As I’m sure many do I feel like I’ve come here for a serious offload.
My dad has been an alcoholic for most of my life. As a very young child he was told he was at serious risk of liver failure and after many scares he *stopped* drinking…I say stopped because if you ask him he will say he never stopped.
Anyway in 2020 we lost my amazing grandfather and this seemed to trigger a further downward spiral. I was also pregnant at the time and offered as much support as was humanly possible…even getting to the point where I had to say okay if you don’t get help you are not going to be able to see your grandchild…I should have known that wouldn’t work but I guess we try these things don’t we.
Between then and now there has been a significant decline in his whole being . Everything about him is different. He is not the same person. He is struggling to walk, complete day to day tasks, meet personal care needs, having significant falls, the list goes on. He has local team support and is reducing his intake but I feel like the damage is done. I raised my concerns over a year ago with health professionals and was dismissed. He goes through periods of not eating, barely being awake, is house bound, incontinent…
We are currently on our second visit to the local A&E in the last week and I just feel no one listens. They see “alcohol” and no other support is offered.
My only win this week has been contacting adult social care who seem to maybe be able to offer some support for us.
I’m just wondering if anyone can relate?! It’s so hard to find people that get it and as much as I know people mean well…I’m over the comments from friends etc of “hope it’s okay” “Hope you’re alright” etc etc. no I’m not alright. I’m trying to live my life, work, raise my own child and this is what I’m faced with day in day out.
And don’t even get me started on the fact I’m planning my wedding and instead of thinking about how to include my dad…I’m thinking about what I’ll be doing to remember him 🙃. Ugh!
I remember these days well yet for me it's nearly a decade ago. The constant worry. The sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. What's next, what will I find. I hear you! Like you we had the door slammed in our faces. I screamed and cried down the phone to the GP, social services and alcohol recovery services. Until she wanted to change there was no help. No help for her and absolutely no help for me. Oh there was a family addiction group that made me feel an inch tall because it was only alcohol and not class a drugs like the other families. Fair to say I never went back. The only person who will crack in this is you. Holding together your own family and work is hard enough. I used to go to work in a job I hated just as a break from the norm. Phone in locker no one can contact me here. My advice would be to set boundaries for yourself and your lovely little family. Well done in finding nacoa. They are a community of special people. Give them a call if you need a chat or some advice. A few years after my mam passed away I found the 6cs and it was such a light bulb moment. Print them out and when it feels unbearable read them in your mind.
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
Hi,
Thank you so much for sharing on the message board. How was it to write this out? It’s great that you recognised you needed to offload and listened to that instinct. I hope you can see the bravery and courage it takes to speak out and the compassion you’re showing yourself in doing so. It sounds so hard to have had to navigate grief, pregnancy, motherhood and caring for your dad all just through the past few years.
It sounds like agony to watch the decline in dad and to feel you’re not being heard by professionals. You are right too, it often feels some professionals see ‘alcohol’ and offer no further support. It does sound a huge win that social services have said they may be able to offer some support, this is a lot for you to carry and it is a weight that deserves to be shared.
Whilst well meaning it sounds really understandable you’re feeling done with comments from friends. Do you know what support or acknowledgement would be more helpful from them? Is there any way you could communicate that to them? Sometimes, when people haven’t been through it, they can be uncertain of how to help and get things wrong – it’s okay to communicate your needs and offer them some guidance on what would feel more comforting.
You’re not alone. I’m sure others here will relate to the pain of wanting a parent to be present on a special occasion whilst bracing for the fear that they might not be there. I hope you can find some connection on the message boards here.
You can always reach out to Nacoa’s helpline too, their helpline volunteers are happy to give you space to talk and feel and really do understand.
Listener