Care assistance and general rant.
Hello,
First post here and after some advice hopefully in relation to my Dad
For background he’s been a lifelong drinker, pretty much solely in pubs but his drinking increased exponentially since around 2010 when he was made redundant and unable to find work. This culminated with a RTA just before Christmas 2017 where he sustained multiple fractures and spend numerous weeks in hospital. I’ve long suspected this wasn’t actually an accident and was a cry for help or possibly a suicide attempt as a result of his situation and mental health.
He continued his habits of going to the pub on a daily basis and has seen a deterioration in his mobility and overall health. This has particularly spiked after the death of his mother 2 years ago. He’s continued to drink throughout this time despite warnings from doctors and constant reassurance to my brother and I that he’s fine. His confusion got so bad the other week that he was walking around his apartment complex with no trousers on and trying to eat a coaster in the lounge. He was then hospitalised understandably for what I assumed would be an infection as a result of him failing to take his water tablets which has happened on a couple of occasions previously. However there was no sign of infection meaning his confusion was “natural”.
After 2/3 weeks in hospital he was discharged and seems better in terms of his mobility and confusion which I imagine was as a result of 3 meals a day, hydration and abstention from alcohol.
He’s since been discharged to a care home where most patients are 15 years older than him. He still has confusion and struggles to finish sentences or to retain information. He escaped twice via a fire escape at the weekend and one time managed to make it to the pub and break his sobriety. He’s trying to convince me he could manage at home with carers but I just know he’d end up back in the pub and drinking. I honestly don’t know what to do for the best as part of me is minded to let him get on with it. I suspect this entire situation is self inflicted as a result of my Dad’s alcoholism and as a 30 year old who’s getting married in a few weeks a big part of me wants to just let him get on with it even though I know it will end up making him worse and I’ll have to clean up his mess as the stress of trying to sort out his current care is driving me up the wall as is the 30+ phone calls from him each day.
Does anyone have any experience of a similar situation and if so what care did you put in place and did it help?
Thanks.
Hi,
I’m so glad that you have found us here at Nacoa. How was it to write this out? I really hope you can hear from some others and, most of all, know you aren’t alone.
I’m so sorry to hear about the situation you’re having to navigate with dad. It sounds so painful and frustrating to have watched dad get worse over the years. It sounds exhausting as well to be carrying so much of his care and the organisation of it. Do you have people you can share with?
I’m really glad to hear that the hospital helped stabilise him although I can imagine this doesn’t take away the worry and the stress of what’s next now he’s been discharged.
Where you can, please try and remember the six C’s:
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
This isn’t your fault and it’s not yours to fix or solve. It’s okay to have boundaries and to step back where you need to. Your feelings matter in this, you matter in this.
Are you able to speak with anyone at the care home and explain your worries and the stress this is causing you? Your voice deserves to be heard and you deserve support.
There’s lots of COA specific support out there too which you might find helpful. Alanon and ACA both run peer support groups. There’s also SMART friends and family groups which is a program that invites participants to spend time concentrating on themselves and their goals which can be something we have to relearn after having to focus on someone else’s needs for so long. Your needs matter and are important - it's so important that you can allow yourself space for what you need, however that ends up looking.
I hope the message boards can be helpful for you too in meeting and sharing with others who can understand.
You can always use Nacoa’s helpline too, if you need space to share and be heard. Nacoa is open 10am to 7pm Monday to Saturday and you can call, 0800 358 3456, or email, helpline@nacoa.org.uk.
Listener