New here – Taking first steps
Hi,
Ive coped reasonably well with dealing with my mum’s alcoholism, but I think I’ve largely just contained it, without really addressing it. She died of a drink related disease 4 years ago now and me and my sister and brother (we’re all in our 40’s now) cared for her as best we could. Throughout all the rollercoaster self destructive behaviour, during her isolation in a care home during covid (a total nightmare) and her gradual and dramatic decline. during which I was signed off from work for a few weeks due to not being able to cope. But it feels like all the stuff we lived with as kids and during the last years of her life, seem to be effecting me more and more and manifesting in different ways. I struggle enormously with low self esteem and anxiety. I’ve also realised that very recently I don’t allow myself to be happy, because I’m so worried everything will go wrong. I also isolate myself at times and need lots of time on my own, pushing away the people who care for me. My siblings suffer in different ways too, but all on a similar scale. My partner is very understanding , I have a good job and amazing children of my own. But it feels like there is a huge weight on my shoulders that I haven’t dealt with and I need to confront it. Ive only today reached out to a recommended therapist, but wanted to record the start of this process here. I hope I can find a way to let whatever this is, go.
Hi, thank you so much for sharing this here. How was it to write this out? I really hope that it helped to share. You’re not alone, truly, and others here will also understand.
It sounds as though you’ve made a huge step for yourself recently in seeking counselling, I hope you can feel proud of yourself for that.
You mentioned your siblings struggle in different ways but on a similar scale, have you seen the family illness publication? It explores the different roles we can sometimes take on when growing up around dysfunction. Sometimes, in understanding these, we can begin to let them go:
https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Alcohol-the-Family-Illness.pdf
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum as well. It sounds like you went through such a lot throughout her decline, and during Covid must have been incredibly hard for you all. But even 4 years on, the grief can still be very raw and as you say manifest in so many different ways. It is hard, but for so long the focus is on the disease, managing the disease and the person with the disease, that the people all around that are affected can be forgotten. After their passing is a time when you are finally able to begin to process all that has happened. Now is your time to be able focus on yourself. Reaching out for support through counselling and to organisations such as Nacoa is a wonderful and brave step which will help you to confront all you are carrying right now and allow you to move forward knowing that you truly deserve to be happy.
I wish you luck on your journey and please know that the community here is always available to support you and to lend a listening ear.
Take care
Listener
Hi Hussingtree,
Reaching out is a huge first step, it in itself might help to release some of the stored trauma or upset, being able to connect with others who have been through similar experience at NACOA will at least provide support, you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with the thoughts you are feeling.
I hope the counselling helps, and at least will provide a safe space for your to speak to someone objectively.
Letting happiness in, is scary, because it requires a level of vulnerability, and also comes with the fear that it might be taken away, often the to-fro with alcoholic parents, sober parent is loving and drunk parent is different, it can be hard to release that.
I found alternative therapies like sound healing and breathwork helped me to work through things in addition to your therapy sessions.
Good luck with it, and NACOA is always here