Alcoholic and manipulator MOTHERS
Anyone here with alcoholic and masterly manipulative mother?
I know some alcoholics are clumsy and ‘fun’ but mine was and is so evil when drunk .. and that has got earlier in the day as she gets older.
She has however had the ability to hide it outside of the home and deflect a lot by making me the ‘bad one’ because I called her out on it.
She has tried to kill me a few times in my life, and I mean proper attempts which were accidentally thwarted by my father coming home a day early from work or me being able to escape.
I don’t need to list the whole life as I know if you are reading or responding it is because you get it.
Having the mother be the abusive alcoholic is weird as your alleged primary care giver or the one you are supposed to bond with and learn attachment cannot provide that as drink comes first. But no one seems to want to accept mothers being the drunks or abusers.
I am now 50 and have no contact with her. .. even though some family are trying to guilt me into the ‘she’s old now’ etc. I grieved her years ago.
Anyone else here that had mother alcoholic?
Hi,
Thank you for sharing here on the message boards. I’m really glad that you did and I know others here will relate to some of what you’ve shared. You’re not alone. How was it to write this out?
I’m so sorry to hear about the trauma you’ve had to navigate from some a young age. It sounds like you did something so important for yourself in going no contact and I’m sorry to hear about some of your family members reactions.
It can be difficult for people who haven’t experienced this to understand, although that isn’t an excuse for their behaviour.
You’re also not alone with grieving a parent before they’ve passed. It’s a really complex and challenging thing to have to do.
Your feelings, your safety and your well being matter. No one is entitled to a relationship with you and you’re doing the right thing by making sure you’re safe and well.
You’re definitely not alone with being labelled ‘the bad one’ because you were talking about the elephant in the room. Have you seen the publication on family roles? I wonder if it might be helpful for you.
https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Alcohol-the-Family-Illness.pdf
I hope you can find some community here and thank you again for sharing, there’s huge courage in that.
Hi, I just want to share that I really understand the fact you said you grieved her years ago. I have the same feeling about my now elderly mother. I now see her as a kind of ‘random old person that happens to have been allocated to me’ ! However, she was not as abusive as your mother. I am rather amazed you are even still in touch with her. Do what feels right to you, don’t worry about other people’s real or perceived judgements. They did not have your experience of life. But yes, people do find it hard to let go of the cultural idea of a strong mother-daughter bond. Have you read the book ‘I’m glad my mom is dead’ Different issues, but the author had to fight for the title - and I’m glad she did. Honesty does us all a lot of good.
Thank you for sharing your story. In my case it was my dad who was the alcoholic but I have a cold and selfish mother who I see out of duty. I so agree with you that having an alcoholic mother goes against everything that a mother should be and yours sounds to have been very extreme and dangerous. I admire you for keeping going and completely understand why you don't want to see her, but hard when family members are pressuring you because she is old. Important for you to do what feels right for you. All best wishes
Hi my mum was an alcoholic and I totally get it . I lost and grieved my mum little by little every day . When she passed when I was 31 it was actually a relief as i had lost her years before . I felt guilty for feeling that way. She would say the most evil things to me and gaslight me into thinking everything was my fault . She would attack me and stabbed me with a potatoe peeler when I was 15 but somehow it was always my fault . I look back now and wonder how and why I let her treat me that way but she was my mum and was the best mum in the world until she started drinking when I was 11 . The conflicted feelings have been hard for me to process and it only now at 51 and finding support from places like NACAO that I have been able to.
You are so strong to break free of the cycle don’t let people make you feel guilty you must look after your own mental health . It is not your fault or responsibility . Sending big love xx
Hi
Thanks for reaching out and posting on this site. In my case it was my father who would disappear into his study with whisky every evening after work and drink until the small hours. However, my mother was always there for my brother and I to offer some semblance of stability and normality. It definitely wasn't talked about in those days!
Therefore, I can't begin to imagine how it must've felt as a child to not experience the feelings of being nurtured and cared for. I'm so pleased that self preservation means you have no contact with her.
You mention extended family in your post. Do you have siblings who feel the same as you for support? Your mother's drinking isn't, and never was, your fault. You do matter and are important so please be kind to yourself by eating well, getting enough rest and pursuing pleasurable interests.
It may possibly be worth considering professional counselling to discuss your feelings and the issues you experienced in person. However, you can always reach out here again as needed.
Thinking of you and please stay strong.