Navigating grief
Hi all, I’m new here and usually just view the message boards. I lost my dad in October 2025 to an alcohol overdose, he was 44 and I’m 24. Growing up I can’t remember a time where my dad wasn’t dependent on alcohol, one of my first memories is being stood in the kitchen while she cried and shouted at him because he was urinating on the kitchen carpet thinking he was in the toilet. My mum and dad divorced when I was 7 and I decided I wanted to live with dad because I felt I needed to look out for him and felt like my mum was abandoning him, my 2 little brothers also lived with me and dad and they were very young so most of my childhood was spent being a parent to my little brothers and my dad when he was drunk. He remarried when I was 10 and I was relieved at first but soon found out she was emotionally abusive and really spurred on my dad’s addiction to make him more dependent on her. From 10-16 was just chaos (I witnessed a lot of domestic abuse and was the mediator) and I went to a boarding college at 16 to get away from it all. We were never allowed to say he was an alcoholic outside of the house although everyone knew, no one helped us though. I was still very close with my dad but never moved back home and had a baby and got married when I was 23, the years up until his death his alcoholism was hidden from me by his wife and my brothers because they knew how much I hated it and I was always on his case. I didn’t know he was still drinking that much as he would always tell me he’d stopped and I was so busy with my own child I believed him. He died in his sleep last October which was a complete shock and no one understood why. Until the post mortem was released and his wife had given statements in it saying he was drinking a litre of straight vodka a day and was drunk the night he died, but she has never admitted that directly to me. His death was ruled to be as a result of intoxication after they did toxicology. And now I’ve cut off all contact with his wife.
I’m really struggling with guilt because I feel like I could’ve saved him if I’d known. Or I should’ve atleast tried and looked close enough to know he was drinking so much still.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. I was just 23 when my 49 year old dad died from liver cancer, in part due to heavy drinking. It’s hard losing a parent so young and feeling so much grief. I can imagine it’s especially hard when you have young children to care for too.
But what happened to your dad was not your fault. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do to stop someone else from drinking. Addiction is a disease that can be deeply rooted in a person amd even though people with addictions do love their family, they can’t help but be driven by their addiction to continue self-destructive behaviours.
I know how hard it is navigating grief at such a young age. None of my friends could relate at all to what I was going through. Counselling helped me and gave me someone to talk to which helped me work through everything that I was feeling. Would you be able to reach out to your GP about talking therapy or maybe you or your spouse’s employer might have an employee assistance programme? You can also reach out to the Nacoa helpline at any time. You’re not alone, and there are people here who understand. Take good care of yourself, be kind and gentle with yourself as you navigate these feelings. I’m so glad you posted here today.
Hello,
I am really glad you found this space and you felt able to share about your experience. How did it feel writing things down?
I am really sorry to hear about your loss and everything you have been through. A lot has happened and you deserve a safe space to be listened and heard.
The impact someone’s addiction can have on us, on top of the grief process, can be incredibly overwhelming. The feeling of guilt is very common among people who share a similar experience as yours.
I just want to remind you that it is not your fault and never was. I just want to reassure you it was never your responsibility to fix or cure your dad’s addiction. Like someone else here said, we cannot stop someone’s alcohol use, even though that is something everyone with a parent with addiction would want to be able to do.
But what we can do is look after ourselves, talking to people about it and make the right choices for ourselves.
Having boundaries and keeping distance/cutting contact with people is understandable and sometimes needed, especially during moments when you need to process things and focus on yourself.
You are not alone and you do not have to go through this alone. This space is here for you, and you can also contact Nacoa’s helpline if you ever need it. There are also resources here on how to cope with the death of a parent if that might be helpful to read.
Take care and please look after yourself,
Listener