Reaching out
My partner has been sober for a while however he is no longer worker. I went to work one day and came back and I noticed his behaviour was different and again today when I went out with my best friend, everything was good then he started texting funny massages very short and off! When I got back I found an empty bottle of wine. Am not really sure what to do! I tired to talk to him but he told me go go away and leave him alone. Am not sure what to do, now I have the feeling of guilt, I know I shouldn’t and I can do go out for the day.
Hi,
Thank you so much for sharing here and I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re having to navigate with your partner. It sounds a really difficult time for you at the moment, and so much on your shoulders. I'm so glad that you can set it down here. You aren't alone.
When someone relapses, they might experience denial or shame that can make it incredibly hard to have an open conversation. Have you seen Nacoa’s publication for talking to someone about their drinking? It’s got some good guidance and advice on navigating some of these hurdles that come up.
https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Talking-to-someone-about-their-drinking.pdf
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling guilt too, you’re not alone in that and it’s a common reaction for when someone we love is struggling. It’s really important that you can know though that this isn’t your fault, it’s not anything you’ve done and the burden of fixing this isn’t on your shoulders. Your wellbeing and happiness matter and it’s important that you know you can go to work and go out with a friend for the day.
We often talk about ‘The Six C’s’ here:
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
Do you have any support around you at the moment? You don’t have to navigate this alone and there are many people and places who can help.
I’m really glad you’ve reached out and I hope you can hear from others here.
Kindest Wishes,
Listener
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It is so hard when someone relapses, and feeling guilty and not knowing what to do is completely understandable. But none of this is your fault.
Him pushing you away, as said above, could be through shame and embarassment and it's not unusual. It doesn't mean you have to accept being treated unkindly, but it might help explain why he's reacting the way he is. Please give yourself permission to feel hurt and upset. And please know you don't have to do it alone.
Have you been able to speak to him? How are things now?
I am guessing he has had help in the past, has he been able to reconnect with any of the services he has used before?
In any event you must look after yourself, which isn't selfish, it is necessary. So reaching out to places like Nacoa is a great thing to do and I hope you get all the support you need working through this. It isn't easy.