It’s so hard coping with processing her life as well as her death
Hiya. I just sort of want to blurt my feelings about my mum to people who would understand. I turned 18 like a week ago so I’m very freshly in the adult category but I don’t know how to handle this, or just like exist, basically, going forward, and I feel like those who have lived with it older than me would understand more. And also I’m sure a lot of people relate to this but after all I’ve been through, I feel a whole lot older than 18.
My mum died a month ago today. She was an alcoholic and acute-on-chronic liver failure killed her. She took ill very suddenly, very far away from me and the rest of her family, as she was living and working far away at the time (parents were separated) and stringently denied any history of alcohol abuse to the doctors. Her liver was so inflamed initially that it masked the cirrhosis so it took them a while to find out, so they did piece it together, but that was long after she was unconscious. She also told doctors to not phone her next of kin. Ever since she started drinking, she had been ludicrously secretive about what she was doing in her life away, so this didn’t surprise me, but it still made me incredibly mad. It took them over a day to convince her that she needed to call someone.
We were able to be by her side that night and I was able to see and speak to her, and I basically knew from the first conversation we had with a doctor that she was going to die. Obviously they were being objective when delivering information, and not fatalistic, but I want to study medicine and I study in my free time a lot and I was able to gauge that she had very little time left. I knew my aunt knew too cause she’s a doctor but we just didn’t talk about it. She was put on a ventilator the next morning after suddenly deteriorating. She died 9 days later after treatment was withdrawn. (I have no doubt at all that it was the right decision).
I don’t know how to do this. I’m just so, so, so angry at her, and I miss her so, so, so, so, so much. She was so full of life, the smartest person I think I’ll ever know, and so funny. She worked a very demanding job, and was fantastic at it – that job was her life. She was working up until the day she collapsed. Probably the literal definition of a functioning alcoholic. At home she was absolutely consumed by her addiction, and the version of her I knew when I was 12 was lightyears away from who she was when she died. I was robbed of my real mother for five years. I don’t remember a single day when she was sober. She used alcohol to cope with traumas she’d experienced in the past (including losing her own mum to a sudden heart attack when she was only 19) and when she drank she was cruel, and paranoid, and depressive, and I hated seeing her like it. She would tell me that if I ever told anyone she was drinking, she’d never speak to me again. She would tell me that she didn’t care if I couldn’t keep a relationship with her as an adult because “these things happen.” She would drink to a point where I had to call for lifts home and drag her upstairs and shower her and put her to bed and she would say “thanks, Mum” because she just wasn’t there.
Only her family know, and maybe two of my friends know. It feels like I can’t justify how insane my grief is making me without being able to tell the full story; I don’t WANT to tell the full story, I don’t want to taint the memories of her to people who didn’t know, but all these memories keep rushing back of the last 5 years and how it’s all just over and I just can’t function. Every day in school is a battle, and it’s a huge year for me and I want to do great things and I just don’t know how. I break down every day. I can’t do this any more. I’m so angry. I’m so angry and I miss her so much. I don’t know how to do this. And it’s literally for the rest of my life. This isn’t fair.
Alcoholism isn’t fair.
Hello
I'm so glad you've contacted Nacoa. The message boards are an opportunity to share your feelings, which you've expressed so clearly, and to know that you're not alone.
Firstly, belated birthday greetings for last week. It must've been very hard to feel joyful having experienced such a recent bereavement. I sincerely hope you achieve your goal of studying medicine as it can be such a rewarding career.
I am so sorry to hear of the circumstances surrounding your mother's death. Denial is a common symptom of alcoholism so all credit to the medical staff who insisted your mother contact her next of kin. As hearing is often the last sense to go, your mother may have been able to hear you even though she couldn't respond. You say your aunt knew but you didn't discuss it. Often addiction is a family secret where people feel too ashamed to talk about it.
It sounds as if your mother's demanding job/career may have influenced her addiction. Please remember the six C's:-
I didn't Cause it
I can't Cure it
I can't Control it
I can take Care of myself
I can Communicate my feelings
I Can make healthy choices
So, please try and look after yourself with regard to rest, nutrition, socialisation and time for yourself in your last year at school. Also, remember that none of this is your fault. Is there anyone at school who could offer pastoral support? It's often easier to talk to people you don't know very well. There are counselling services available possibly via your GP or privately. This may be something to consider and access later as the grief will be very raw at present.
Hi,
I’m truly sorry to hear of your recent loss and the huge grief you’re now having to navigate. Thank you so much for sharing here, I’m so glad you listened to the need to let your feelings out. How was it to write this down?
You are right, alcoholism isn’t fair. I can really hear the love you have for your mum and how huge the missing her feels. Your anger is so valid too and has space in this, I hope you can know that. It’s okay to feel it. Grief of a parent with alcohol dependency can feel so conflicting in the feelings that surface. It sounds so difficult to grieve the brilliant person she was alongside the person she could be when she drank too. Again, it’s okay to feel whatever comes up – it’s important. Your feelings matter in this, all of them.
There can feel such a heavy burden when someone we love passes away and I can hear how much you want to protect mum from the image of her those who don’t understand might create. Sharing your story, and the impact this has had on you for so long, is never being disloyal. It may be too, that mum would want for you to have support right now and to be able to speak honestly.
We can’t control the reactions people might have, but we can speak about how we feel and it’s okay to communicate your love as well as your anger and hurt. There will be those who understand and others who will do all they can to try to.
I’m sorry that school is feeling such a battle, have you been able to share with them how hard you’re finding this year? Grief has no timeline and a month is still so fresh. It’s understandable that you’re struggling and you deserve support around you.
There’s also an organisation called ‘Lets talk about loss’ that you may find helpful too. They host meet ups for young people who have been bereaved, and offer a space to meet others, and share stories and struggles without fear, judgement or awkward silences.
letstalkaboutloss.org
You can always reach out to Nacoa’s helpline too, if you’d like to speak one on one. Or email too, if writing feels easier.
I hope you can hear from others here and please do keep sharing, in whatever ways help. You don’t have to navigate this alone and Nacoa is here for you.
Listener
Hey, this hits home as is very similar to how I lost my own mum when I was 14 (now 27). I understand the duality of how you are feeling: both loving and missing her, and being angry too at the denial and secrets. From my own experience, I never spoke about her death or her really, I felt very secretive , it hurt to remember so I completely shut it out (or tried to) by avoiding the topic and keeping myself busy (or distracted with not so good things) , it then all resurfaced last year as im settling down with my own partner and I realised just how much time had passed and just how much I missed having a mum. I say all this to say, that even though its hard, and you have a lot on, take time to process this and lean on friends/family. I would recommend therapy too, its so hard to talk about this stuff as we have had to hold it in for so long so whilst the first few sessions may feel unnatural, id recommend to keep trying. A good therapist will help you process your memories. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.