Any thoughts on what to do when your parents get old?
So me and my brother have supported my mother since we were teenagers and things have gotten progressively worse. Over time she has become recluse and with reclusion comes accelerated mental deterioration and she has become less capable of doing the simplest tasks.
The constant nagging thought throughout my life has been what are we going to do when she gets to a point where she is unable to look after herself in the simplest ways. We are already support her financially, sending groceries etc.
I don’t think she would fall under anything that would enable us to get financial support from the council or anything. Its hard enough having to look after just yourself when you are still finding your feet let alone the woman who is suppose to be supporting you not the other way round. I understand all parents get old and will need help but she is not even that old yet!
I presume this is a very common anxiety for people in this children of alcoholics, am I wrong?
Hi,
Thank you for sharing on the message boards. I’m really glad you reached out - it takes huge courage to share.
It sounds so hard for you and your brother to have to offer so much support and care to your mum and to watch her health deteriorate over time. It’s understandable you would have the nagging worry of what the future might hold and how you might manage. It sounds as though you are trying to offer yourself some stability in planning and considering for it.
You’re not wrong and it can be a common anxiety amongst COA’s.
Have you tried contacting social services? If your mum is unable to care for herself mentally or physically they should be able to offer her support and take some of the burden away from you. They should also be able to help her with any benefits she might be able to claim if she is unable to work.
This really does sound like a huge amount of responsibility on you. As you say it can be hard enough to look after ourselves, especially when we are finding our feet, let alone another person. Do you have support? You don’t have to navigate this alone. I hope you can hear from some others on the message boards. You can always contact Nacoa’s helpline too, they understand and can be a listening ear.
Listener
I really feel for you and your brother. You are right it's hard enough trying to get your own life up and running without having to care for a parent when you are only just starting out yourself. My Dad became a recluse so I can relate to the problem. As Listener suggested I do think you should try to get some help from other people /social services. Would your mum let you speak to her GP as that can be a good start point. & If you can - easier said than done I know - set some boundaries both in terms of time and emotion . You deserve some time and space for yourself too because caring for an alcoholic parent is so draining. You are not alone. The community of COAs is here for you too. Take care x
That sounds like a really tough situation.
Can I ask if she works at all, or whether she owns or rents her home? That might help when thinking through options.
You might want to look into supported living, it could give her more structure and support, and take some of the pressure off you. It’s not giving up on her, it’s getting the right kind of help in place.
Most importantly set some boundaries for yourself. Look after yourself and our fabulous unique community is here for u x
She hasnt worked for a long long time. She does own her home and obviously ideally its pretty tragic to have to sell to pay for her care. I was wondering if there are any other solutions out there.
The reason this topic even came to mind is because I decided to research the cost of care and I was shocked!