Boundaries – why is it so hard !
Hi everyone,
This last week following mother’s day I realised that I just couldn’t watch my mum get drunk anymore and sadly I don’t think I’ve ever been able to be myself around her. I’ve been trying to do reduced contact for years and it’s still having a significant impact on my life even when I’m not seeing her.
I just can’t put myself in a situation where I loose more of myself every day, I can be doing just every day tasks and a wave of anger will hit me. Reminding me I’m not free of watching her get drunk as it’s in my mind and trapped in my body . It’s so draining, an indescribable exhaustion.
All the above being said I have blocked my mum and feel a sense of peace and shame. It’s the best choice I could possibly make right now .
Im worried that my grandad won’t want to respect my descion to cut contact with my mum . He’s well aware of her addiction and has said to me in the past ‘ can’t you say something to her to yet her to stop’ which I have told him its her choice not mine.
Honestly I want to cut him out too as I feel he’s just as narcissistic, doesn’t really want to hear me and only wants to talk about himself. I just don’t want to cut too many family members out at once .
Has anyone dealt with a similar situation?
Thanks for reading
Cutting ties with a parent is never a decision made lightly. It’s something that takes immense courage, especially when it’s about reclaiming your peace and breaking free from patterns that have caused harm. I truly admire your strength in taking that step for your own wellbeing.
I can hear the worry in your words about how this might affect your relationship with your granddad specially if he has narcissistic tendencies. That’s a difficult space to hold.
But please remember, setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad person. Your grandfather may react in ways that feel manipulative, guilt-inducing, or dismissive. That says more about his own lens than it does about you.
It’s okay protect your peace. It’s also okay to feel conflicted. You’re allowed to love people from a distance if closeness comes at too high a cost.
Whatever you're feeling sadness, relief, confusion, guilt all is valid. These situations are messy and emotional. Just know you’re not alone.
Thanks for taking time to share, katy996.
I can empathise with what you're going through. I've had similar experiences with my dad. Because of his drinking, I only really see him to take him to GP appointments etc and the window of opportunity to call him on the phone has really shrunk. I know I need to call between 10 - 11am because after that he's not in a good place.
It sounds like you gave a lot of thought to having no contact with your mum, and it's a decision that has brought you some peace, so that sounds really positive.
I don't know if you're familiar with Nacoa's 6 Cs, but they may be worth bearing in mind, particularly the last couple:
- I didn’t cause it
- I can’t control it
- I can’t cure it
- I can take care of myself
- I can communicate my feelings
- I can make healthy choices
Besides your family, what does your support network look like? Do you have a friend you can talk to about this?
Take care.