Different feelings different days
I haven’t spoken to my mum and step-dad properly now for over six months.
I guess the best place to start would be at the beginning. My mum and dad split up when I was around 10, and my brother was 5. There is a four-and-a-half-year age gap between us. My mum then met my step-dad a year or so later. On the whole, as far as step-dads go, he was a good step-dad. He had two kids before he took on my mum, brother, and me, with his eldest son being around 11 years older than me and his youngest daughter being around 9 years older than me. As you can tell from the age gaps, we never lived with my step-brother and step-sister, so they didn’t really know what our full-time home life was like.
I said on the whole my step-dad was a good step-dad. What I mean by this is we never really went without; we went on all-inclusive holidays most years, and he and my mum were there when we needed them. But there was an underlying problem: the drink. As time went on and as my brother and I got older, the drinking got worse. I would call them functioning alcoholics. My step-dad could go off to work and do a whole day’s work, while my mum would look after the three of us—keeping the house up together, providing lunch boxes for school and work, making dinner in the evening, as well as washing our clothes, etc. It would then be in the evenings where the drink came into play. My mum was mainly on the wine, my step-dad on the whiskey. Most nights they would drink enough to be drunk and everything was fine, but other nights they would drink enough where domestic abuse came into play. Smashed glasses, alcohol or food up walls, hitting each other, TVs smashed… I could go on. The thing was that while this would go on, my brother and I would lay in our separate rooms hearing it all happen, but we never went in to comfort each other, and we never spoke about it the next day. We only really started talking about it around one year ago. Whatever happened the night before, my brother and I would get up, head to school (or work as I got older) with the house being in bits some mornings, to then return home later in the day with the house cleaned up and not a word mentioned about it by anyone. This became normal, and I never looked into it too much.
Fast forward years later, with my brother and me moved out of home and living with our partners in our own homes. It was only when little conversations would come up that it would make me think (or make me feel like an idiot, anyway). With my wife being a teacher and her mum working in child protection, hearing them talk about some of the parents and stories they have to deal with that were similar to mine really made me think. I would say things to them like, “All partners have fights every once in a while,” and “Don’t all children go through this in their lives?” With the surprised responses I would get from them both, it made me start to think that what I grew up with shouldn’t have ever happened.
As time went on, I started to really notice the impact alcohol was having on my mum and step-dad. Drunken calls in the late evening, only to have me repeating myself another day because the conversation and the fact they called was forgotten. Both their hands shaking like leaves when holding something like a cup or glass. Turning up to the house in the middle of the afternoon and them both still being in bed. Even though my brother and I moved out around six years ago, I was still finding hidden, empty wine bottles on the landing behind the wash basket. It got to the point where I was worried for their health and wanted to do something.
I spoke to my brother first, and we finally discussed things after all these years. We agreed something needed to be said and done to hopefully help our parents in the long run, but let them know that we’re worried and we’re there for them. I then spoke to my step-brother and step-sister. It obviously came as a big shock to them to hear how bad the drinking was. They knew they drank a lot, but not enough that they thought something could be wrong. It also came as a big surprise hearing about the domestic abuse we witnessed as children. So it was agreed: the four of us would go to the house on a certain date to show a united front, let them know we’re there for them, and say that we would like them to try and help themselves.
Two hours before we were due to go there, my step-brother and step-sister pulled out. They said they felt uncomfortable with the arrangements and felt they needed to approach it a different way. My brother still went over that evening to collect something and found my step-dad really drunk around 6 PM. It felt like that could have really helped nail home the point to my step-brother and step-sister if they had witnessed that. Anyway, my step-siblings advised that the two of them would go together at some point to see where the land lies and would update us. After they visited, my brother and I received a joint message advising they had been, everything was “okay,” and we should go over to our parents at some point. I felt this message lacked a lot of detail because we didn’t understand what “everything is okay” was meant to mean, and they wouldn’t go into any detail. My brother and I headed over there a couple of days later when we were free.
What we walked into confirmed that everything wasn’t okay. My brother went into the house first, and with me barely through the door, my step-dad was yelling at us, saying he didn’t want to speak to anyone, especially us two. My brother is hot-headed compared to me, so he ended up going back to mine as I stayed and tried to chat with my mum and step-dad. What hurt the most were the replies I got from my mum. It wasn’t “I’m sorry,” or an acknowledgment that they might have a problem; it was, “Why are you bringing this up now?” and “Have you told your dad?” Still to this day, I haven’t told my dad. I don’t know why—if it’s to prove a point that I haven’t told him, or the fact that, aside from maybe upsetting him and the thought that he might have been able to do something back then, what is the point now? I guess there’s no right or wrong answer here.
I messaged my step-brother and step-sister to advise them of what had just happened. As well as completely ignoring the reality of what just happened and the fact we witnessed domestic violence as children, they advised they didn’t think our parents were alcoholics, even though they admitted they can drink a lot. Clearly, whatever our parents had said to them was enough to convince them that they’re not alcoholics, and they’re either in denial that their dad could have been involved with domestic violence or believe that we were possibly lying about everything.
My brother and I have taken a step back, but in different ways. My brother has completely deleted all social media, changed his phone number, and advised he wants no contact with our parents. While I still have barely any contact with them, I have still posted birthday cards, Christmas cards, etc., with my mum doing the same back.
I don’t know what the answer is or what to do. My wife seems to think I miss the thought of a sober parent being in my life rather than my actual mum and step-dad the way they are. Overall, our life has been a lot happier not having much contact with them.
Thank you so much reaching out and sharing your story.
I am sorry to hear of your experiences as a child where alcohol was involved and that it got to the point where you witnessed aggression and violence within the home. I can only imagine how scary that must have been for you as small children.
It is not unusual for these cycles of behaviour to become so normalised that it wouldn’t ever occur to you that other children do not experience this or that this behaviour was not ok. I am pleased that, however late in life, you have been given a space to be able question this behaviour and say that it was not ok.
I am also glad you and your brother have come together to talk about your experiences and feel comfortable now in challenging your parents. I am sorry your step siblings were unable to fully support you in this, but it sounds like their lived experience is very different to yours. This in no way diminishes what you and your brother experienced, it just means they had a different experience of the same people.
You can only try now to highlight to your parents the damage drinking has done, both to you and to them and their own health. If they are unwilling to listen, then that is on them. We use the 6 C’s here:
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
I will link a couple of our publications that you may like to read https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/How-can-I-talk-to-a-friend_family-member-about-their-drinking.pdf and https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Alcohol-the-Family-Illness.pdf which can also be found on our website.
Different feelings will come up for you at different points as you continue to process everything you have been through. Having the right support around you is incredibly important. It sounds as though you are finding having little or no contact beneficial at the moment and holding those boundaries can really help whilst you navigate what you need next.
If you ever want to talk through anything that may come up for you, the community and helpline at Nacoa are always here for you, as long as you may need us - helpline@nacoa.org.uk / 0800 358 3456 Mon-Sat 10am-7pm. Our 1-2-1 chat is via the website on Tuesdays & Thursdays 12-5pm).
If you have any questions, need any further information, or just need a chat please just let us know.
Take care
Listener