Endless cycle
I genuinely dont see how my mum will ever get sober, today started off ok and then we went out to lunch, she said she knew today was going to be stressful so she needed a glass of wine (a large one obviously) and then proceeded to get in the car and start driving after drinking which was kinda scary, things are obviously getting worse there don’t use to be this whole “today is xyz so I NEED a glass” or driving after drinking, and then after that she decided we should all go to the pub and I said no and tried to talk her out of it (without mention the alcohol though cuz she will blow up, but I think she knew what i meant) she just left me at home and went anyway with my siblings, then a few hours later my dad gets home, (he works late ish which my mum doesn’t like) she blows up at him for no reason (cuz she’s drunk) and storms off, then she tells me she’s not talking to me or my dad because he’s a “workaholic” so she isn’t talking to us and we can’t call her an alcoholic because hes a “workaholic”, and last night I found LOADS of medicine she’s meant to take to stop her drinking, so clearly she hasn’t been taking it it’s just been sitting there. So this just feels like a perfect example of how tf is she ever gonna get sober, things are getting worse she’s more reliant on drinks, she’s making up more and more excuses (it’s ok to drink and drive if u ate, workaholics ect) and isn’t doing anything to help hers self or even suggest she wants to recover. Originally I thought with addiction it was get sober or it will kill you eventually so u need to help urself and stop (atleast that’s what people always told me so idk why it applies to me and not mum) but clearly not, this seems like she will be an alcoholic all her life and it’s just getting tiring as I do love her but drunk her chips away at our relationship more and more
Hi catzz_143,
Thank you for sharing, this is really a lot you are navigating at the moment.
It is positive that you were able to write down and reflect on your situation, this is a safe space for you to do that.
It must be so scary witnessing someone’s behaviour and the impact it can have on you and your family, especially in the context of driving after drinking.
I can read the worries that you carry for your mum, and how you are trying to talk her out of going to the pub but still doing it in a gentle way.
Seeing someone going through addiction and making the wrong choices (e.g. not taking their medication that would help them), can make us feel very disappointed, hopeless, but also frustrated. And very understandably so!
What you said about loving your mum but being tired of this cycle of alcoholism and how it impacts your relationship is a common thing among COAs. It can be very conflicting to love a person, whilst being upset with how their alcoholism affects them.
Unfortunately, people who struggle with addiction won’t always follow a straight line to accessing support, and sometimes that can take longer than we would hope.
It can be very tiring for the people who love them and want them to get better.
Something we talk about a lot here are The Six C’s.
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices.
Having a hobby or practising some self-care can help us focus on something else and give us a break from everything else that is happening around us.
Are you able to talk with your dad about your feelings and worries? Or is there anyone else in your support network that you can reach out to?
I just wanted to remind you that you are not alone, Nacoa is here for you for as long as you need it.
The helpline is a safe space where you can explore and reflect, where they will listen and never judge. You can either call or email, and there is not set times of contacting the helpline.
The helpline number is 0800 358 3456 or you can email helpline@nacoa.org.uk.
Best wishes,
Listener
Hi,
I’m having a similar issue with my mum. I’m 30, and don’t live with her but still her constant excuses and actions can still hurt.
I’m constantly baffled that more people don’t intervene. My family at functions will happy let her drink herself silly, fall out with everyone and then drive. It can sometimes feel like I’m the only one battling this. Im quite lucky though that I can talk to my siblings, is that something you might be able to do? I find speaking to them helps as they are in the exact same position.
I also have to remind myself it’s an addiction, and my mum sound of mind wouldn’t act like this. BUT as mentioned in the other comment you’ve got to look after yourself and your own mental health in all of this - I completely understand it’s so upsetting and pretty traumatising.
Not sure if this is much help, but it’s just someone in a very similar situation.
Take care x