Exasperated Son
Hi, not sure where to start and thinking I’ll need 1000+ pages to convey all that’s going on and how it’s making me feel. I’m so frustrated.
I’m a mid 40’s male who’s 69 year old Dad is an alcoholic. I’ve found myself here following the latest hospital visits/consultation regarding Dads health.
He’s always been a drinker, so much so that I can still recall my brother and I ‘playing the pub game’ at home when we were no more than 5/6 years old, it’s only now I realise how terrible that must be for kids to be so familiar with pubs by that age that we played it as a game!
Dads drinking got progressively worse over the last 40 years, and has resulted in our family home being repossessed when we were in our late teenage years, such a tense and distressing childhood, the borrowing of money for others by Dad just to keep the bailiffs from the door for many years, it put our lovely Mum through the mill throughout their entire marriage until she passed in 2021 from fatty liver diseases, the absolute irony being that Mum was tea-total.
I now find myself as Dads primary carer, checking in on him twice or three times daily via FaceTime just to see if he’s ok, eating, not killed himself due to slip or fall, and all this whilst being a Dad to my own family, raising my daughter and fulfilling a senior role in my chosen career.
There is so much I’m frustrated about, and I am very mindful about looking out for my health and wellbeing despite Dads alcoholism, but it’s a challenge, I know subconsciously and consciously I always am thinking about dad.
I’m not really sure what I am hoping to gain from positing this, connection with others experiencing similar maybe, or just venting.
I am pretty sure I’m due for my next round of talking therapy to allow me to process Dads behaviours and keep me sane for a period of time.
Truth is I love him he’s my Dad, but I absolutely hate how selfish he’s been and what he’s put me through in my life, I’ve explained this to him and I just get a somber serious “I know and I’m sorry” but then nothing changes.
He’s killing himself slowly, his lover is now staring to display signs of complications in functionality due to alcoholism over the years, I’m amazed it hasn’t happened sooner being candid, and now I know I’m going to have to go through all the same with Dad as with Mum and see a person I love die due to liver failure, and it will be me left to pick up all the pieces.
Sorry for the rant but it felt good to get all this down.
Thanks.
Thank you for sharing. You are definitely in the right place! As a fellow COA, with a Dad who destroyed his life with drink, I so relate to your mixed feelings of loving your Dad but also hating the damage he has done to himself and his family through decades of drinking. It's more than ok to feel like that. Like you, my Dad was never far from my mind when he was alive and even after his death I find it hard to detach. You sound as though you are having to be strong and responsible in so many areas of life. Can I say well done for being that strong person, I hope you do pat yourself on the back occasionally. I am pleased to hear you are going to take some time to have some talking therapy to help process it all. Hope writing things down here helped a bit too and knowing that other people share your experiences and feelings. You are not alone. With all best wishes
Hey,
I'm really sorry to hear what’s been going on with your dad, and I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum. That must have been incredibly hard on you all.
I can really empathise with what you’re going through, from one pub child to another, and as someone who has lost a parent to alcoholism. I know you’re not quite at that point with your dad yet, but I can understand the fear of where things may be heading.
I honestly think you’re doing everything you can. Therapy sounds like such a positive step. Do you have people around you who can support you , whether practically with the kids, or just to spend time with? It sounds cheesy, but finding little glimmers of happiness for yourself where you can is really important. What do you enjoy doing in your own downtime?
I know you want to be there for your dad, and you’re doing a wonderful job. I’m not saying you should stop caring for him at all. But part of coping with this, in my experience, is realising that we can’t change their behaviour. Letting go of the constant wondering "will this time be different? " can really protect your own mental health. You are not responsible, and it’s not your fault.
Of course you love him and dread losing him , that’s completely natural. But as hard as it is, sometimes the best thing is simply to spend the time you can with him, loving him for who he is right now. Is there anything you could do together, maybe a hobby or something that can create some happy memories?
I'm not sure if this advice has helped at all, but please know you are not alone. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.