Exasperated Son
Hi, not sure where to start and thinking I’ll need 1000+ pages to convey all that’s going on and how it’s making me feel. I’m so frustrated.
I’m a mid 40’s male who’s 69 year old Dad is an alcoholic. I’ve found myself here following the latest hospital visits/consultation regarding Dads health.
He’s always been a drinker, so much so that I can still recall my brother and I ‘playing the pub game’ at home when we were no more than 5/6 years old, it’s only now I realise how terrible that must be for kids to be so familiar with pubs by that age that we played it as a game!
Dads drinking got progressively worse over the last 40 years, and has resulted in our family home being repossessed when we were in our late teenage years, such a tense and distressing childhood, the borrowing of money for others by Dad just to keep the bailiffs from the door for many years, it put our lovely Mum through the mill throughout their entire marriage until she passed in 2021 from fatty liver diseases, the absolute irony being that Mum was tea-total.
I now find myself as Dads primary carer, checking in on him twice or three times daily via FaceTime just to see if he’s ok, eating, not killed himself due to slip or fall, and all this whilst being a Dad to my own family, raising my daughter and fulfilling a senior role in my chosen career.
There is so much I’m frustrated about, and I am very mindful about looking out for my health and wellbeing despite Dads alcoholism, but it’s a challenge, I know subconsciously and consciously I always am thinking about dad.
I’m not really sure what I am hoping to gain from positing this, connection with others experiencing similar maybe, or just venting.
I am pretty sure I’m due for my next round of talking therapy to allow me to process Dads behaviours and keep me sane for a period of time.
Truth is I love him he’s my Dad, but I absolutely hate how selfish he’s been and what he’s put me through in my life, I’ve explained this to him and I just get a somber serious “I know and I’m sorry” but then nothing changes.
He’s killing himself slowly, his lover is now staring to display signs of complications in functionality due to alcoholism over the years, I’m amazed it hasn’t happened sooner being candid, and now I know I’m going to have to go through all the same with Dad as with Mum and see a person I love die due to liver failure, and it will be me left to pick up all the pieces.
Sorry for the rant but it felt good to get all this down.
Thanks.
Thank you for sharing. You are definitely in the right place! As a fellow COA, with a Dad who destroyed his life with drink, I so relate to your mixed feelings of loving your Dad but also hating the damage he has done to himself and his family through decades of drinking. It's more than ok to feel like that. Like you, my Dad was never far from my mind when he was alive and even after his death I find it hard to detach. You sound as though you are having to be strong and responsible in so many areas of life. Can I say well done for being that strong person, I hope you do pat yourself on the back occasionally. I am pleased to hear you are going to take some time to have some talking therapy to help process it all. Hope writing things down here helped a bit too and knowing that other people share your experiences and feelings. You are not alone. With all best wishes
Thank you.
I’m sorry to hear you too have gone through similar experiences, your kind words are appreciated.
I have a lovely support Network with my partner and brother, the local community where Dad lives are also brilliant in supporting as he is a well liked individual where he lives.
It’s cruel isn’t it alcohol, I liken it to a silent assassin which slowly kills those we love over time.
Therapy has helped no end in talking about my feelings, I know I can get back into that whenever I feel I need it again, I guess I’ve learnt to recognise when I do.
Wishing you all the very best in your journey as a COA, look after yourself.
Hey,
I'm really sorry to hear what’s been going on with your dad, and I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum. That must have been incredibly hard on you all.
I can really empathise with what you’re going through, from one pub child to another, and as someone who has lost a parent to alcoholism. I know you’re not quite at that point with your dad yet, but I can understand the fear of where things may be heading.
I honestly think you’re doing everything you can. Therapy sounds like such a positive step. Do you have people around you who can support you , whether practically with the kids, or just to spend time with? It sounds cheesy, but finding little glimmers of happiness for yourself where you can is really important. What do you enjoy doing in your own downtime?
I know you want to be there for your dad, and you’re doing a wonderful job. I’m not saying you should stop caring for him at all. But part of coping with this, in my experience, is realising that we can’t change their behaviour. Letting go of the constant wondering "will this time be different? " can really protect your own mental health. You are not responsible, and it’s not your fault.
Of course you love him and dread losing him , that’s completely natural. But as hard as it is, sometimes the best thing is simply to spend the time you can with him, loving him for who he is right now. Is there anything you could do together, maybe a hobby or something that can create some happy memories?
I'm not sure if this advice has helped at all, but please know you are not alone. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.
Thank you.
Your advice helps no end as I often think to myself “I must be the only one going through this” for example when I’m at work and Dads on my mind or when I’m juggling dealing with Dad and my work I think “people have no idea what I’m dealing with”
As I have been lucky to have very understanding employers I have always been sure to advise I am Dads primary carer and that he is a an alcoholic disabled man, I find this helps people understand a little about my circumstances.
My biggest struggles have always been mental health ones, from self confidence to anxiety due to all I have experienced over the years, my teenage years were particularly tough putting a brave face on things when trying to navigate teenage years, left me emotionally exhausted and questioning my self worth, I’m out the worst of that now but recognise it could rear its head again, I know the triggers so keep aware for them and act as need to process those thoughts and feelings.
Dads a lovely man, he’s also absolutely hilarious, it’s the drink thank turns him into a self loathing overthinking person, he’ll never see this and that’s fine, we accept him for who he is, we just want to keep him from harm as much as we can do, he’ll always drink and that’s ok.
Thanks again, wishing you all the best on your journey as a COA.
Totally understand where you’re coming from. I cant quite find the words for my story yet but it’s very similar to yours so please know your not alone .
When you mentioned the pub game it resonated so much , my dad used to remember each nice event in our lives or place by remembering the nearest pub and that was always so upsetting.
Thankyou for sharing your story ,I think just reading someone else’s story helps another person so much.
I’m pleased you are able to find similarities in your journey to know you aren’t alone.
Yep, as Mum always used to say “everything revolved around the bl**dy pub!”
Looking back now I am only just starting to acknowledge Dads behaviours were totally not supportive of raising his kids the right way, I don’t hate him for it but I just wish he would have been more mindful of this and made different choices, but we are where we are I guess.
It’s bitter sweet for me though, Dad used to come alive in the pub, he was thoughtful, funny, people were drawn to him and I liked seeing that I had what I thought was a popular dad, but all that changed for me as I grew up and saw other families who’s dads were all that and more without the pub and beer, I wanted more from my Dad and spent decades frustrated he never saw that or attempted to be a better man for his family.
I don’t know why but I can cope with that now, I’ve almost let it go so to speak it was what it was and resulted in where we are now and nothing can change it is what I constantly tell myself.
I FaceTime Dad daily, speak with him about his great passion of football and I love that, we’re very much alike in that regard. He’s doing much better of late, his drinking doesn’t seem too severe since his latest trip to hospital and the alcohol crisis team are visiting him for the first time time today, he initiated that with a little push from us, his family but he can see he has a big problem, and I am proud of him for taking that step.
It’ seems to be a never ending journey of worrying about him, caring for him, making sure he’s fed, hydrated, not feeling lonely, is engaged and I don’t think it will ever cease until he leaves this world.
He’s our Dad and we love him dearly, we just wish he hadn’t been trapped by the booze like he has been.
I sincerely hope you take comfort, support and peace from all the relevant posts and forums on here on your journey
Hey again,
Im glad to hear that he's initiating support, that's a big step and hopefully the meeting goes well with the crisis team.
Understand what you mean with the rest. Sad to say that I took my first steps in a pub. Also developed asthma at a really young age as everyone smoked inside. I still remember the heavy air mixed with the small of the chalk from the board. Of course, they didnt stop taking me as needs must, alcohol first. Thankful I've had other people in my life who are more switched on.
Hi,
It's understandbale that you feel frustrated by this, it's been going on for pretty much as long as you can remember. Still having to keep tabs on what he's doing, never knowing if you're going to call him and something serious has happened must be stressful. Meanwhile you have your own life, family and career to keep on top of. Knowing as well that you've been down this road before with you mum passing away knowing that you'll laregly be in charge of clearing things up is not simple.
You mention the effect this had on you growing up since it happened all through your teenage years. Hopefully as you said talking therapies might help you stay sane in the meantime. There is unfortunately only so much that can be done, sometimes recognising that limit and stepping back a bit can help give persepctive. Even if you quit your job and devoted everything to working with him it wouldn't necessarily change the world.