Feeling hopeless and angry
Think like many others, I’ve come here for a bit of an offload.
My mum was hospitalised last night from falling down the stairs drunk and knocking herself out, she has a small bleed on the brain but should be okay. She’d previously been hospitalised earlier this year when she took too many painkillers when drunk. I’d hoped the last time she has hospitalised would be enough of a rock bottom to get her to stop, now I’m not sure even a bleed on the brain is enough.
She goes to four AA meetings a week and has just set up a women’s group. She has a sponsor. I really don’t understand what else she needs to stop. She knows she has an issue, I visited and stayed for four nights last week and she couldn’t even go four nights without drinking. And it’s not like a bit of beer it’s a bottle of vodka. She gets very upset when confronted because it’s so obvious when she drinks, and then she got very sad and said she really didn’t want to and couldn’t stop herself. Which did make me feel sorry for her but I’m so tired of it all.
I’ve had anxiety and depression since the age of 14 from her drinking, as I would constantly be on edge and looking for alcohol she was hiding. Living away has helped but then I feel guilty because it’s all on my dad to deal with, my partner is great and supports me but I’m an only child so nobody really gets it. I’m 26 now and it makes me feel so sad that this is what I’ve got for the rest of my life. I’ve given her so many ultimatums that don’t work and I just feel so hopeless.
I am so sorry that your Mum is making herself so unwell and having awful shocking accidents. It's a lot for you and your dad to carry for so many years. I totally get that you are looking into the future with dread. I suppose the only glimmer of hope is that she is engaging with AA and clearly wants to stop drinking - so if she does finally hit her rock bottom she will know who to reach out to. One thought I had is that she is obviously struggling to stop despite wanting to - she might need a helping hand from some medication such as Antabuse (makes you feel sick if you drink) or even one of the new weight loss jabs that also seem to take away the desire to drink. Might she see her GP with you? I appreciate she may well avoid doing that but she might be on the verge of being ready to quit but can't do it without extra help. Separately to her I hope you can find ways to look after yourself and you & your Dad spend some time doing something nice together not linked to your mum. You deserve it. Take care. X
Hi welcome you have come to the right place to offload, these message boards are full of kind, helpful, understanding people who know what you are going through because they have experienced the same trauma and it really is trauma.
I am very sorry to hear your mum has been hospitalised after having a fall, unfortunately this is all too common when having drunk too much and a bleed on the rain can be serious.
It's a shame that the meetings and sponsor are not working for her right now, alcoholics spend a lot of time in denial and getting upset is sometimes a way of deflecting the attention away from their behaviours, and deep down they know their behaviour is wrong.
It's understandable that you are tired of it all being around an alcoholic can be very draining. I am sorry to hear that you suffer from anxiety and depression and it's hardly any wonder giving what you have been through growing up always on a knife edge. Guilt is a very big problem for children of alcoholics it's almost like an invisible chain and padlock that keeps you locked into the relationship, and it's only if you have truly been there that you can understand it. Please understand this you have nothing at all to be guilty about you have done nothing wrong whatsoever.
I am very pleased that you have a supportive partner who is there for you, ultimatums and addiction very seldom work i'm afraid the need for the drink or drugs is often far stronger, it sometimes feels like a completely hopeless situation but none of it is your doing. I hope this has been helpful for you and that you continue to reach out to Nacoa we are here for you and please understand you are not alone.
I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. Your story resonates with me as a 43 year old man who’s Dad at 69 has been drinking himself to death since his 30’s.
You are not alone, I completely get the constant anxiety and living on edge, I’ve found talking therapies very useful, mine focussed on childhood trauma which found helpful.
Your partners support is so valuable, I’m pleased you have that to lean on.
Wishing you all the very best of everything on your journey and sending compassion, love and positivity your way.
Take each day at a time.