Like a ton of bricks
Hey everyone,
I’m around the five month mark of no contact with my mum. All week I’ve felt so tearful and exhausted on the brink of tears. I was able to cry a little and today too myself I was able to have a big ugly cry . I just wish, I was able to have a space held for me to be able to cry in person. As terrifying and shocking as it feels to release tears with someone I feel it would be very healing. A colleague at work said they always had time for me no matter what and I asked for 5 minutes of there time and they said they were snowed under. I felt very rejected and hurt that his actions haven’t married up with what was once offered through text. I ended up texting him in the end because I didn’t feel worthy of having space held from him in person. I told him about the fact I’ve had to cut my mum out and his reply was very robotic, just the usual sorry to hear that your going through that … He didn’t offer any further support, saying that he’s always here if you need a chat . Its just like another kick to the gut… Anyone experince a lack of validation when opening up about the situation?
Hi there,
Thank you for sharing what's going on for you at the moment. It's always difficult making decisions like this, but you need to do what feels right for you.
Sometimes crying is just what we need as a released of emotion. How are you feeling now?
I'm sorry to hear you felt rejected by your colleague. Are you able to catch up with him in person this week? Or if not him, another friend or someone you trust to open up with? In my experience, it can be hard for people who don't have direct experience of parents who drink to understand what we're going through. They can feel awkward and afraid of saying the wrong thing, which I know I've taken as rejection in the past. But you're not alone and I'm sure there are many other COAs who will identify with what you're going through right now.
When I've been in a low mood like this, I've needed to make the conscious decision to do something nice for myself. Go for a walk, sit in the sun, read a book. Anything that feels like self-care. Do you have some time this week to dedicate to something you enjoy?
Take care.
I just want to say well done for your bravery and strength in getting to 5 months no contact, this must be so hard and yet so necessary in giving yourself the space you need to be able to move forward with your own life.
A good cry is often a great release of all the emotion you have built up, it has to go somewhere. But it is nice to be able to do that in a space where you feel safe being so vulnerable. I'm sorry your colleague was not good to their word in offering you that space for support. Sometimes people offer help, but are unsure of what that actually looks like. That's not always their fault or their intention to make you feel rejected, they just don't know what to say or do. Are you able to be clear with him about taking him up on the offer of support and what that looks like?
Alternatively have you ever had any counselling? The space held for you in those sessions are for you to do exactly what you need to. Or give the guys at NACOA a call, their listening line is also a space for you to use as you need to.
Take care of yourself.
Hi katy996,
I'm really sorry to hear that you were let down by your colleague. You were incredibly brave to reach out to him in the first place - I know how hard that must have been - so to be let down must have really hurt.
Talking to other COAs may fill that gap of support, as they will be able to relate and validate how you are feeling. So using these message boards is a really positive step. Another option to explore could be support groups. Al-Anon UK (https://al-anonuk.org.uk/) and Adult Children of Alcoholics UK (https://www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk/) both offer free support groups for those affected by a parent or family member's drinking.
Please keep reaching out on these message boards, and you can always get in touch with the Nacoa helpline if you'd like to talk more.
Take good care,
Listener
How are you katy996?
I read your post and felt so sad about your need for a friendly shoulder to lean on which was rejected by the person you thought you could rely on - it hurts, and it hurts at a time when you are most in need of a little healing, or even just to be heard - if only for a few minutes. Those few moments of a sympathetic ear can make such a difference to the rest of your day.
I have not experienced "no contact" personally, but it happens, and I understand how the dynamics might work. Regardless of the individual circumstances, sometimes it might be the only answer.
But you desperately needed to be heard, and to cry - and yes, it IS healing to let go of that awful pent-up emotion with another sympathetic human being. I 'heard' you, even though it's some time since you posted. And I had a little cry for you because I felt your hurt and rejection.
Take heart. For every one person that cannot spare you their time, there will be another who can...
I really hope you are feeling better - better able to cope - and gaining emotional strength and resilience.
arvide