Limerance caused by my mum’s drinking
Hey ,
I hope this is allowed as it is related to the effect my alcoholic mum has had on me.
One of my colleagues was incredibly complimentary about me. and it has caused me to not be able to stop thinking about them. It was so nice to hear such kind words and feel special for those moments, something I have craved all my life. I think about him holding and kissing me and telling me things will be ok. The alcohol addiction caused my mum to be never present!I was never allowed to be comforted , I was the prettified child holding everything emotionally. I’m not sure what his sexuality is… And the unavailability of it makes it even harder to deal with. I’ve really been enjoying getting to know him as friends and I want to have a genuine feelings for him either way …
I’m so jealous of his partner… He’s so emotionally intelligent, articulate, funny and handsome .
The effect of alcohol parent runs so deep. I feel so ashamed to have these feelings, like I’m a freak that needs to hide away from the world. Do you think my friend would hate me if he knew..
Complex trauma really tricks you into questioning wether you can trust your own intuition. The mental rigrimrol this causes me is just cruel ….
Can anyone relate?
Hi,
Thank you so much for opening up and sharing what you have here. I'm really sorry to hear how absent your mum was when you were growing up, and how little space you had to truly feel. That sounds incredibly painful and lonely.
It sounds so important that you’re able to recognise the impact your colleagues’ words had on you and how much you responded to the kindness in them. I wonder if there are other places in your life where you are able feel kindness and validation? You absolutely deserve to feel seen, supported, and special.
You’re right — complex trauma can make it feel really hard to trust your own intuition. Are you getting any support at the moment? You don’t have to go through this alone.
You can always contact Nacoa too through the helpline the number is 0800 358 3456 or email on helpline@nacoa.org.uk.
I hope you’re able to connect with others on the message board too, and know, truly, that you’re not alone.
Listener
Hey i am very sorry to hear that you are struggling with these feelings towards your work colleague, he sounds like he is a kind warm human being who appreciates the good that you bring to your workplace. It is very easy to be flattered when people say lovely kind things to us, it makes us feel good about ourselves which as a child of an alcoholic very rarely happens if at all. Your mum not being present would have a massive impact on you growing up and sometimes we seek validation and warmth in whichever form it may be presented, which is not always the best thing for us at that time.
With time you will hopefully be lucky enough to meet someone special who will care about and appreciate the wonderful person that you are, and give their time and attention freely without any restrictions. I wish you the very best and please feel free to message on here it is a great place to speak freely to others who understand what you are going through.
Hi there,
Thanks so much for your reply. It's been a difficult draining week and I've been thinking about your response.
It is so lonely and traumatic. I have a therapist I sometimes feel like sees sick of hearing the same record playing though ... I do hope every time I talk about my mum with her it's showing something different. Cutting my mum out has been a really difficult descion this year.. it's so confusing because so much good has come from it but it feels bitter . Probably because I worry what others will think of the situation...
I have several close friends it's just hard to plan a get together when everyone is working. I would like to plan something with them .
I suppose I just don't want to close of the possibility of finding the right person always worrying if I'm 'healed enough' .
Sorry the rambling tangent there .
Hey thank you so much for your reply. Means so much it's so hard to deal with and it makes me really sad that ... It rarely happens. Taking the compliments too is really hard . I always assume I've done something wrong or hurt someone!!
Part of me wants to open up to him about it as he said his door is always open and he said that I wouldn't be a burden... I think that's what really set the fantasy of because I'm always used to being a burden and for someone to see me for me feels really good.
Above all I think it's a need for safety and being held that I'm truly craving . I try hugging myself and have bought myself a weighted blanket to try and help with this. I find asking for hugs so difficult though 😔
Since those thoughtful texts he hasn't been very engaged with me and has been giving very short answers. This makes me feel like his offer of support wasn't genuine..
I hate how much I read into and deep stuff .... Does anyone else do that ??
I want to meet that special someone one day . Ultimately I think I want to be able to trust whatever happens I'll be ok even if I don't meet the right person.
Have you ever experienced love addiction?
Taking compliments can be so hard when you have never received them or not thought yourself to be worthy of them. It sounds like you have spent so much of your life not being seen it is not uncommon to attach yourself to someone who does show you such kindness. But ultimately this is about how you feel about yourself. Be gentle on yourself, you are worthy and are not a burden to anyone.
Use your time in therapy to explore your attachments and self care and self love. Please never feel your therapist is sick of hearing it, thats what they are there for.
You've already shown great strength is putting in boundaries with your mum. Putting yourself first will help you build the trust that there are people in the world that will show up for you in the way you need and that healthy relationships where you can be seen and held in a caring and authentic way are possible.
Good afternoon
I just wanted to reach out and say how brave you are for posting your feelings on here, and I agree with what has already been put on here about how your therapist will never get tired of listening to what you have to say. Your feelings are valid, don't forget that.
I wish you all the best in your journey moving forward. Please, as the others have said, do not hesitate to reach out.
Much love