Lost
Hi Everyone,
A few years ago I lost my dad, he was an alcoholic with A lot of other issues to. Now I am dealing with a side to my mum that iv never seen before. My mum has always had a drink since the day I was Born, It was always of an evening after work, Me and my sister always new it was a problem because she could never go a night without a drink, but thats the way we new our mum. Last Year things took a turn for the worse, were it wasn’t just a bottle a night it turned into 2 bottles a day 3 bottles a day 4 bottles a day, a week before Christmas my mum was rushed into hospital due to having pancreatitis, I spent my whole Christmas away from my partner and our family, running back and forth to try and spend at least an hour with them and then to spend the rest of the time with my mum, this was a situation that left me very anxious, down and afraid. My mum done well had 3 months of being sober, we really felt like we had got our mum back, her whole self changed, she wasn’t anxious, she looked healthy, she was gaining weight as when she was drinking she wouldn’t eat anything she was just overall a better person to be around, maybe over a month ago I caught my mum screwing a bottle up at 6:40 in the morning, At first I didn’t want to confront her, but the anger built and built inside of me that I had to, she denied and denied until I rummaged through her room, this led to her coming home after work whilst drinking more throughout the day and kicking me out and getting physical with me. I found out that she was drinking 2-3 bottles of Dark rum a day. She’s begged for me to come home numerous of times, me and my partner have sat with her when she’s anxious because she’s on a come down, she’s promised me that she wont do it again, she’s not able to see her granddaughter when she’s drank which then she ends up being a victim and thinks everyone thinks she will do something to hurt her, its just a ‘never ending cycle, and she can never see where anyone is coming from, my sister has always said whenever you haven’t had a drink your more than welcome to come over, but as soon as someone has mentioned the word ‘sober’ she’s the victim and not allowed to see her granddaughter. I don’t know what I can do to get through to her, before she ends up back in hospital or dead. Iv had enough, I want to move out but I’m to scared to leave her, but I don’t want to care anymore or deal with the thought or physically loosing another parent, and not having a mum or dad at the age of 26, I Just physically don’t know weather to completely remove her out of my life or to deal with this but its damaging me as well and stopping me from living my life, I hate her sometimes because she’s going to leave me and leave me with no parents at all and shes okay with this, all the tough love in the world doesnt get through to her.
Hi,
First of all welcome to this space.
Most of us will resonate with parts of your story and I certainly did with some of it too. It sounds cliche but you really are never alone. Placing boundaries with your self is 1st port of calls. Remember what your going through is from someone else's actions and not your fault. Having coping mechanisms to understand how your feeling and what triggers this is really important but most importantly removing yourself from the situation when you feel overwhelmed. There's no shame in walking away to protect your peace. It's difficult but even a week of no contact can give your self breathing space. There's lots of experiences on the nacoa website which may help you and of course the lovely people on the helpline if you need a sounding board or advice.
Hi,
Deep down I know im not alone, but you cant help but feel that way. it has opened my eyes reading peoples stories on here at how many people are suffering with alcohol abuse from parents and some with similar stories.
My hole life I have worried about my mum, suffered with anxiety from a really young age and that all stemmed down from worrying I would loose her, she had to call the school each morning to let them know she had got into work, I feel like i'm exhausted of worrying about her, I feel like I just want peace. I want to and I feel like I know I will have to the next time she kicks me out again, I have to protect myself and my relationship with my fiancee but it is so hard to just leave. Thank you so much for replying back with some advice, I will certainly speak to the helpline on some advice on how to deal with this.
Being a child of an alcoholic can be a very lonely place especially in your own mind. Do you have a good relationship with your sister? The what if's and when's can be debilitating. Do you have any hobbies that you can do for slight distraction. There maybe some local groups you can attend that caters for families of addiction. I'm sorry your going through this as I know what it's like to have that gut wrenching anxiety. I hope you can find some peace with the advice and resources that nacoa provide. The 6cs were pivitol in my recovery. Because although we aren't the addicts we still have a recovery process from all the trauma we have been faced with.
Hello,
I am really sorry to hear what you're going through with your mum. It must be incredibly painful, especially after going through similar with your dad and ultimately losing him.
It must be so frustrating that you can't get through to your mum or hear any sort of acknowledgment of the problem. Unfortunately there really is only so much you can do until your mum is able to acknowledge the problem and accept your help. There are some resources I can link for you below around talking to loved ones about their drinking - you might find something in there useful, even if it just helps you to see that you are probably already doing all you can.
>https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/How-can-I-talk-to-a-friend_family-member-about-their-drinking.pdf
>https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Alcohol-Self-Diagnosis.pdf
I can hear how exhausted you are, which is completely understandable. It is so important to shift at least some of the focus back onto yourself and your own needs. Having time away from the situation to breathe and escape for a little while is something that could help a lot.
Keep reaching out whenever you need to and take good care of yourself,
Listener
Hi,
It is really painful, and extremely worrying to know I may be parentless, I feel like I have lost my mum Completely, The story between me and my dad has a lot of background but I felt like he left me and forgot about me, due to him being an alcoholic and now I feel like thats what my mum has done, like i'm just not cared about. Im worried she will realise and its to late.
Thank you for sending over the link I will defiantly look into these.
I can understand why you have such fear around this. It must feel like history is repeating itself. You're doing the right thing by reaching out and externalising these feelings, and I hope you have a good support network around you.
Take good care,
Listener