Still struggling 10 years on
Hi all
New to NACOA and this board, wondering if others are in a similar spot. I have just turned 50 and my Dad died 9 years ago this month aged around 70.
He was a heavy drinker all his life, but it seemed normal, and my brother and I followed his path into drinking, smoking and other things. In my case it was binge drinking, but I remember being called out by my wife nearly 20 years ago for daily drinking too, and and I calmed that down.
He retired at 55 and did some part time work but his real job was drinking. I’d been living abroad on and off for 10 years but moving back permanently I couldn’t believe what was happening – 1 large bottle of cheap blended whiskey per day.
My brother and I have both stopped drinking in the last couple of years and I’ve been thinking more lately about growing up with this situation and how it normalised self-destructive behaviour. It was only from watching the tv show the Bear that I realised that this situation is really a “thing” and I’m far from alone.
I don’t really have a question other than am I in the right place, are there other slightly older people here still coming to terms with this situation? Reading some posts it seems like this is a community of people who know what this is like and can offer amazing perspectives.
Hi there, I am so glad you have found this group. There really is no timescale on when the penny dops that this behaviour you have known to be normal is anything but. I too watched The Bear and thought it raised the topic in such a subtle but powerful way.
It is good to hear you and your brother have chosen to stop drinking, I think when you step away from this normalised self destructive behaviour you realise how unhelpful it has been for you all these years. But you do begin to think about all the years growing up and this can raise lots of unexpected feelings. I don't know how you feel right now but all sorts can come up, sadness, anger, regret, guilt.
This is absolutely the right group to explore and share those feelings, there are many in the same boat across all ages. Keep talking and sharing - they also have a helpline if you want to email or chat though anything.
Take care
Hello zammo,
It is so amazing that you found Nacoa and thank you for sharing your story.
I am sorry to hear about what you have been through and the impact your father’s drinking had on you.
Hopefully by finding this safe space where you can share, will make it easier to continue talking about it.
It is very common among children of alcoholics to think that what is happening is normal, but the moment of realisation that things are actually the opposite can make us feel a range of emotions.
How do you feel now after writing this post?
It is positive that both you and your brother have made changes in your lives. Having a good support network whilst going through this period of reflection is very important. Especially if they know what you have been through, and you can support each other during these moments.
You are completely right, you are not alone, and you have definitely come to the right place. People with different ages come here to share their story in hopes to get peer support, but also to learn about other’s experiences.
More so, you can also contact the helpline if you would like more support.
The helpline is a safe space where you can explore and reflect, where they will listen and never judge. You can either call or email, and there is not set times of contacting the helpline.
The helpline number is 0800 358 3456 or you can email helpline@nacoa.org.uk.
Best wishes,
Listener
100% in the right space. This community is lovely. My time lines are similar to yours. My mum passed 9 years ago next month. Some times you think your through it then bam just like that your back to where you were going through all those memories and events.
When people say time is a healer and things will get better. The trauma a coa goes through carries through your life. Thats what makes us unique and why Nacoa is there every step of the way.
Welcome Zammo.
You are not alone, my 69 year old father is still alive but for how long who knows, the admissions to A&E due to injuries brought about by drinking are becoming more frequent, and only now after 30-40 years of progressively hard drinking is his liver showing signs of damage.
The emotional rollercoaster you mention resonates with me greatly, sometimes nothing for months then BAM!…. Guilt, anger, frustration, fear, resentment, love, sadness…. It’s endless.
Talking therapies have helped me tremendously, I’ve had them on and off for about the past four years since Dads wife, my mother passed away, I think I’m due another few sessions again soon as the emotions are creeping back to me.
It’s only really as I entered my 40s I realised the damage Dads drinking has done to me psychologically, I try to keep a close eye on my emotions but I can be an emotional deck at times you wouldn’t think it to see me days to day.
You’ve 100% found the right group to gather support and seek solace in others experience the same or similar.
All the best to you and credit for recognising you wanted to cease drinking, I am a non drinker and have been for a few years now, I was never heavy but binge drank in my 20’s to what now know to be easing the pain and anxiety of the mental trauma I went through.
Keep positive and take care of yourself.