The Anger.
Hi!, this is my first time posting on here so a bit iffy, my teacher told me about this and printed some stuff out for me and I found that it had a message board, so I thought I’d post something that I’ve been dealing with lately and maybe others can relate.
Is Anybody else angry at their alcoholic parents?.
My mother and father used to be abusive when it came to drinking during quarantine when I was 10/11 and that completely ruined me mentally. After that they got divorced and my dad got help while my mother didn’t, which led to me being neglected and manipulated by her and only ever seeing her intoxicated, never sober, I was 12. She used to drive drunk and on multiple occasions almost crashed, I used to shout at her to slow down and she would scream back at me her excuse would be “I know how to drive drunk“. So many times I would cry myself to sleep thinking that I would wake up and my mum would be dead due to falling over drunk or organ failure due to the excessive drinking. On top of that I was severely underfed and starving because she would only use her small amount of money on alcohol and completely disregard me, I was gaining weight because my bodies metabolism slowed down due to the lack of food. Eventually and thankfully I moved in my dad who isn’t an alcoholic anymore and only drinks moderately on a Friday and Saturday night, But because of my previous experiences with alcohol it’s completely messed with my brain.
I cant see him drinking without feeling uneasy and on edge, I go into hyper vigilant mode and hide into my room even though I know I’m mentally safe however my nervous system doesn’t know that and still thinks im in danger whenever alcohol is near. I drive into panic attacks when I look into his eyes and there drunk eyes, when he wobbled or trips a little bit, my body goes into overdrive and I flee because what else can I do.
And I’m so bloody angry, Im 16, I’m still a child and already living in survival mode almost everyday. My parents brought me into this world willingly and they ruined it, they’ve ruined my entire life because they couldn’t learn how to cope with their bloody emotions efficiently and Im the one who had to suffer, I want to go out with my friends and have a fun drink, I want to laugh and find humor in some drunk peoples behaviors, BUT I CANT. My parents have obliterated my nervous systems ability to know when I’m safe and when I’m not. Im traumatized and it’s their fault, the worse thing is, is that trauma never fully leaves you which means I’ll be dealing with this until I’m 6 feet under, yes I might find ways to manage it but it’ll always truly be there. And I hate them for that, they’ve completely ruined the rest of my life and they’ve done it in a way we’re I had no say, they made me live in FEAR until my brain chemistry changed, I wasn’t even a teenager when it started. They were meant to keep me safe, not be the thing i feared most and I hate them so much for it. I hate them and I’m so angry at them but unfortunately their my parents, they used to be safe, they used to be home, so I’ll always yearn for them because I’m their child.
Hi,
I’m so glad that you’ve reached out here. How was it to write this out? Thank you for sharing as much as you have. Your words, and your feelings, will connect with so many others here. You aren’t alone, truly.
The first thing I want to say is that your anger is valid, and it’s okay to feel it. You’ve had to navigate huge trauma from a very young age. You are right too, you shouldn’t have had to learn to live in a survival mode and you shouldn’t have to manage so much fear in your daily life. I can hear how hard things have been and still are, dealing with parents with alcohol dependency can feel so unfair and put us in situations we should never have had to have been in. I’m so sorry this has been your reality, and for so long too. You’re doing the right thing in reaching out and talking about the impact this is having on you.
Are you able to talk with your dad about how things were before he got sober, and the impact that it has had on you? Or the ways you feel when you see him drunk now? Sometimes, in sobriety, the impact on family members and children can be forgotten. We can be expected to bounce back from our experiences because a parent has found recovery and began to navigate their healing, but the reality is that we still need our own healing. These things take time and space and cannot just be rushed. What you are feeling matters, truly.
It's great that you’ve been able to talk with your school about what’s been going on. Have they offered you any support? You don’t have to navigate this alone. You’re doing an amazing thing in communicating the way you feel to those around you as well as here. Your feelings deserve time and space to be heard.
Trauma is different from person to person, but you are right, sometimes it doesn’t always fully leave us. That doesn’t mean that it will always feel the same way that it does right now. Often, these things have a habit of changing shape as we grow with them. If you felt comfortable, that might be something you could explore in therapy or counselling. You’re always welcome to talk about it here too.
It’s natural too, to yearn for our parent’s. You are right again, we are the ‘child of’ and often there is always a part of us that may have wanted things to be different. It’s so important, where you can, to comfort that part of you. It’s okay to feel it. This isn’t your fault, it never was. Have you seen the six c’s? Sometimes they can be helpful to reflect on when everything else feels so big.
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
One of the most important things I want to stress is that your life doesn’t need to be defined by your parents’ addiction. I hope that you can begin to see that some more through some of the stories here. Your feelings, your wellbeing and your own healing matter in this. You matter in this.
Please know that you can always post here, to hear from others or to just get things off your chest. You’re also welcome to call Nacoa’s helpline, if you’d like to talk one on one, or email if writing things down feels easier. They will listen, never judge and really do understand.
The helpline is open Monday through Saturday from 10am to 7pm, there’s also an instant chat available on Tuesday’s and Thursdays between 12 and 5pm.
I’ll leave this here for now but thank you again for sharing and please do continue reaching out. You’re not alone, Nacoa is with you.
Listener
Thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry you had to experience all that you did as a child. Anger at alcoholic parents is such a common feeling.
After all, you have been robbed of the childhood you were supposed to have had by the very people that were supposed to keep you safe.
Whilst it is great that your dad is no longer drinking daily, it is clear that even his drinking at weekends is still affecting you. Your body is still reacting to the sight, smells and feeling of someone around you drinking alcohol and like you say, you become hypervigilant and you need to retreat somewhere safe.
Your mind logically knows that you are safe, but your body still holds the knowledge that you have been in situations before where you haven’t been and how scary that was. Are you able to have conversations with your Dad about how his drinking still makes you feel?
But none of this is your fault.
And yes, your anger is valid. But you are in control of what comes next and able to make your own choices. Reaching out to networks like this is a great, and brave start. So well done.
Do you have any other support? Or ever had any counselling through school? I know it may feel like this is the hand you have been dealt but with people that you trust and who support you it is possible for you to retrain your nervous system and to know that not all situations involving alcohol have to be dangerous.
The community here are always here to support and to listen.
Take care :-)