You ask the question what have you done
You genuinely can’t think of none

But are you now ready to hear the truth
For it is painful and can’t be removed

It’s lived within us from very small
Can you imagine an alcoholic parent at all

We try our hardest not to blame
For we know you weren’t always this way

I wrote to you before not out of spite
But in the hope that some change it might ignite

Maybe something stirred but I lived with regret
For I felt that my words were not truly met

Some tears and some time where things were still
Then swept under the carpet like it’s not real

My hope this time is not for change
I’ve accepted that you can’t rearrange

For this has become part of your soul
The dad we once had buried in a hole

I know for you this seems so extreme
But we are on the receiving end of this bad dream

We love you dearly for who you can be
Your not a bad person that we agree

You’re a laugh and so full of interesting facts
You carry with you a light which impacts

You’re on top form and so very popular
It’s just for us as kids there was no stopping ya

From choosing the drink over us every-time
This is our repeated legacy line

I hope one day you can empathise
That we have often been spun lies

You count the times that you were there
It’s the smallest portion and feels quite rare

To throw it back into a face
When being a father is your place

It was never our duty to be your parent
But often it’s felt like that’s inherent

So all I ask is that you see from our view
Three children that have grown through

A father that we needed security from
Something that completely gone

We don’t want to hear the pointed finger
We wish for some responsibility to linger

And often we pull back our hearts
Sometimes it feels smashed into parts

For when your topped up you might be fun
But we never know which dad will come

It triggers the inner child in us
When you didn’t arrive to collect us

Or the times you did to only roam
over the pub and leave us all alone

We would wait all week waiting to go
Not knowing if you would even show

Waiting at the window peering down the road
Holding a heavy emotional load

The unreliability converts to that of rejection
It seeps inside of us like an infection

We know it hasn’t always been this way
But sadly these memories they do stay

And even now fully grown
We get triggered and feel totally alone

We know you have had challenges in your life
We wonder if those were the knife

Or did complacency slowly slip you away
To a place where you now remain to stay

Functioning alcoholic are your words
Your children find this quite absurd

The function is wrapped around the pub
To visit you we must come to this hub

And you have thrown good lives away
The consequence of being out to play

We are relieved you seem so blessed
Land upon your feet after each mess

We try our best to accept all you are
Unreliable often and the love feels far

It must be there under it all
We have had good years early on

We just need you to see what we face
Wondering if you will drink yourself to another place

And you go there often we know that
But we are scared for the day you don’t come back

So please forgive us when we seem so distant
Our hearts have grown so much resistance

Please know that we couldn’t imagine
What you went through as a young man

Losing a parent way before his time
The sad thing is I’ve also lost mine

The three of us face our own battles
Making sure we don’t repeat the patterns

One where although we are adults
We still mourn for what we could have

You’re in so deep we can’t save you
You think there is nothing that needs rescue

The dysfunctional triangle we have to face
The only way to step out of this place

Working so hard to be conscious
The triggers overwhelmingly monstrous

To see the risk you put yourself through
Each time that you drink the day through

I forgive you for getting stuck
It can happen to any of us

So we support each other to fix ourselves
And not put our own through the same hells

So when you ask what have you done
It’s not as simple as an answer of one

The emotional rollercoaster you haven’t witnessed
The tears cried for all that you missed

The snippets of you we get to experience
Knowing next time we might be an inconvenience

This is not a letter to hurt your heart
You just deserve to know your part

Three kids who you should be proud
We rarely had a dad role around

So like you we learnt without
And maybe bonds were ripped about

We love you dad and that’s what you will always be
A dad that we will try harder to not judge thee

For the disease you suffer is to blame
And we tell ourselves to not feel shame

We just always wished you would be consistent
To have a relationship that wasn’t intermittent

We feel out of sight out of mind
Until you call when your on a bind

This is our reality please don’t feel punished
It’s through our eyes and you might be astonished

We attempt to accept it’s our fate
But we have the right to not participate

There is only so much hurt one can tolerate
And at times it will infuriate

Because with each time our hearts feel full
It can be counteracted and heartstrings pull

So whilst your out having a laugh
Please remember the rocky path

That we at times can not be on
Because we love you but know this can’t be undone

This letter I will never send
But to write it has helped me mend