How to tell children why I’m leaving their father
Hello.
I’m on the process of divorcing a man who I believe has an alcohol problem. He refuses to confront the issue and has taken great lengths to hide how much he is drinking.
We have two children, 5 and 11. My husband has told them that the decision to divorce was mine, and they want to know why. He has told them that he doesn’t know why.
I have been avoiding discussing reasons for the break up, but now I am wondering if it would be better to try and explain it to the 11 year old in an age appropriate way. I am scared that my husband will explode if he knows I’ve told them though.
To be honest it’s not the only reason for the break up, but it’s a major one, and it may effect them in the future as he does want 50:50 custody.
Hi there,
Sorry for all you are going through, this can’t be an easy time. It’s great to see you have been able to reach out here where you are not alone.
I can’t comment from a professional point of view but hope it helps for me to share that my mother wrote me a letter, she sat on my bed with me whilst I read it. We both cried and hugged each other. We didn’t discuss it after. At the time it felt like a lot but I can tell you she gave me a small keep sake box with a lock on it that I still have to this day with that letter inside. I didn’t look at it again after receiving it for decades but have recently read back over it several times and from my experience it has been really helpful for me to understand the situation, remember and acknowledge that time and the feelings I felt as a child and to understand that it was never about me or my fault. It was helpful as an adult now to realise what she went through and helped a lot with my healing. In the letter she said she needed to do what was best for us all and that included for my dad. She hoped it would encourage him to get help. My brother a few years younger did not have a letter nor did he know I had one until recently. I’ve shared it with him and it’s been very helpful to understand since a lot of his emotions and confusion he felt was stuffed away until adulthood. I think personally he would have liked to have had some age appropriate explanation at the time.
I’m not sure if this is the right advice but it’s only based on my own experience. I was also given a diary after the break up, interestingly I never wrote about anything to do with my parents in that diary but believe it was a place I could write and pretend none of it was happening.
Follow your instinct on what you feel will be best for your children and family.
I wish you strength and send compassion your way, be kind to yourself and always reach out here when you feel ❤️
Thank you for sharing that. Do you mind me asking how old you were? I have started to draft a letter and actually found it very helpful. I will probably take some time and then speak to my 11 year old.
It’s really great you have found the letter helpful. I was 13, my parents separation began when I was 6 and was turbulent and on/off for a few years followed by definite separation and then sadly through the family court hence the letter and explanation. Really the letter feels part of my story and whatever you chose to write if it’s from your heart and in a way your child can understand I think it’s really helpful in many ways. Appropriate explanation is surely better than confusion. I hope this is helpful in some way. Writing is so therapeutic, even if no one else ever receives or reads it, a great bit of self therapy 😊
Hi fishandchips,
I'm sorry to hear what you're all going through as a family. It sounds like you're in a really tricky position, needing to give your children some answers but also unsure how it will land with your husband. Do you have any support around you at all? Dealing with all of this alone is so isolating; I hope you have people you can lean on too.
I hope some of the resources below might help if you decide to talk to your children about their dad's drinking.
>'Information for Parents' has guidance on helping children cope with their parent's drinking, and also has typical questions children tend to ask along with useful responses. This could help if questions come up during those conversations:
https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Information-for-Parents.pdf
>'Jasper's Wish' is a story book which helps children understand their parent's drinking. It may not all feel relevant, but the messages in there are really important so it could be something you read yourself, even if you don't pass it on to your children.
https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Jaspers-Wish.pdf
I really hope this helps. Please continue reaching out for support. Nacoa is here for you too.
Take good care,
Listener
Thank you.
I did talk to them and they took it very well. I didn't want to risk them finding out later and thinking it was their fault and repeating the same patterns that I have. I also want to prevent my husband casting me as the villan who drove him to drink (selfish as that sounds).
They took it very well, although they didn't know there was an issue they had been smelling it more and more.
I feel lighter that they know, but also exhausted!
I am so pleased they took it well, that must feel like a huge relief. You did the right thing and all of your reasons for doing it are perfectly valid.
I really hope you can find some space to take care of yourself and that you have some support to lean on.
Take care,
Listener
That’s great, you have opened lines of communication as well with the children. Well done, it must be exhausting, it’s great you feel lighter, you have absolutely done the right thing 😊