Feeling a bit helpless
It was the anniversary of my mum’s death on Monday (16 years) I said I wasn’t so sad but I guess I am but also grieving my dad who is an alcoholic too. Went to an addiction support cafe today just to get a coffee and sit in there. Felt very emotional like I wanted to cry because I guess it does just hit me that I am grieving both parents from alcoholism.
It’s such a cruel illness and in my childhood I just felt helpless. I know there’s lots of other kids and adults who feel helpless too, and I guess sometimes it can feel like we are alone in it.
Living predominantly in an environment where other people might not understand is hard because it’s like you’ve always got this weight you carry around. This pain that can always be there lingering. Also an anger that my beautiful mum was lost to this illness that is very misunderstood.
I love my dad but last time I went to his home it was upsetting and he was living in a bad state but when I told him I’m concerned and if he wants some support he just looked at me and said what is wrong, I am fine..
So I haven’t been back since and no contact since May because he doesn’t answer calls or texts.
Honestly when I was younger all I wanted to do was try and help my dad and monitor his drinking, I know there’s nothing I can do now and it’s not my fault but it does just hurt to know there’s nothing I can do I have to kind of let him go.
Hi there,
That is so much grief for you.
I’m so sorry for your experiences, I think letting that emotion where you feel like crying out is important. The emotional release is very warranted and you have every right to feel this way.
I often describe my relationship with my dad as loving him from a distance. I’ve recently been really brave and sent a very emphatic and non judgmental message, not for any reply but to be able to make some form of peace with no regrets of what I didn’t say. It’s worth considering ( more for you than him), there’s that constant worry you talk about and the what ifs. We can’t rescue them and we learn that as adults, like you say as children that is what we hope we can do.
I hope writing here helps and I hope you feel you can come here anytime
Hi tm19x,
I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this grief, losing both parents to alcohol.
You're right, it's a very lonely grief, and feeling like the people around you don't understand makes it isolating and hard to feel supported, even if people want to help.
Coming to terms with the fact that there's nothing more you can do to help someone is incredibly hard and sad. I can hear how much this hurts.
Did the addiction support cafe help at all? I wonder if trying to connect with others who have been through similar might help fill in that gap of support.
Nacoa is here for you so please do reach out when you need to <3
Take good care,
Listener