77 year old father won’t change
Hi,
I grew up with two high functioning alcoholic parents well certainly dependant. Lots of embarrassing incidents at parties and family events. I spent most weekends and school holidays with either set of grandparents as they went out all the time.
Fast forward to me at 52. The last 7 years have been horrendous. Dad had heart failure then (also big smoker) but did nothing to try and help himself. He’s been in and out of hospital ever since, once for 9 weeks. Mum mum thankfully after a few admissions herself has pretty much stopped drinking but is left quite infirm. I used to up to last year get around 3-4 phone calls a week from the fall pendant people or a paramedic saying either of them had fallen again and were drunk, usually wet themselves to. I’ve missed holidays, weddings, work trips and am lucky to still be in a job.
He’s in again now, he’s got a pacemaker too now after last years admissions but is refusing any help to cut down or quit and lies when asked about it.
I’m due to go on a much needed holiday on Sat and mum is saying she’s ok alone and has a home help twice a week but if he’s sent home he’ll immediately go outside to the garden start drinking and smoking.
It’s ruining my life again like it did as a kid and I’m angry sad and guilty all at once.
Someone suggested here so I’m hoping for advice many thanks
Thank you for your post, and please accept my apologies for the delayed response.
I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with your parents. It sounds like their alcoholism has had - and continues to have - a huge impact on your life.
Can I ask what your support network is like at the moment? You may have heard of Al Anon and ACA which are support groups for people affected by another's alcoholism. You can find more information on their websites:
https://al-anonuk.org.uk/
https://www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk
Nacoa has a range of resources on the website which may be useful to look through:
The feelings of anger, sadness and guilt that you mention are common among children of alcoholics. Growing up around alcoholism makes relationships and emotions complex.
Regarding advice, you may have read the six Cs regarding alcoholism:
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
These may be useful to bear in mind as and when you find yourself facing situations like those you describe.
Try to take good care of yourself and know that you are not alone. The Nacoa helpline is 0800 358 3456 and you can also email helpline@nacoa.org.uk
Take care.
Hi there,
I’m so sorry to read how hard things are feeling again, sounds like it is bringing up a lot of those same child hood feelings.
All of that is really tough and it’s completely understandable that you would feel angry, sad and guilty all at once, we know that the guilt is something we take on from very young when having alcoholic parents. None of this is your fault, neither did you cause any of it. I really hope that writing here has given you some relief and to know you can continue to use this as an outlet. It’s really important you look after yourself so that holiday is exactly what you need and I hope you can find some time during it to breathe and focus on yourself.
You have sacrificed so much, you could think about setting some healthy boundaries moving forward so that you don’t miss out in the future? It’s really tricky but over time with consciously setting these boundaries it becomes easier. I use a method where if something is asked of me and my response is “I should” I don’t do it ( this is because I have been conditioned from small to rescue, when it’s not my role) If my response is “ I want to…” I will go ahead. It’s trying to separate their stuff from your own if that makes sense. You deserve to live your life and not miss out.
Please remember you are not alone.
Healing hugs your way