Am I wrong for stopping my mum from seeing my children
Around 4 years ago I moved out of our family home and moved in with my partner as we were expecting our first baby. My (alcoholic) mum didn’t take this very well, she would call me up most nights drunk and abusive, phone calls would often be 2+ hours long as I just couldn’t put the phone down to her. We would fall out and argue about her drinking and behaviour but it always got swept under the carpet as most of the time she “couldn’t remember” these conversations. This affected me massively, not only was I early postpartum dealing with hormones, adjusting to life as a new mum but the one person I thought would be there for me and embrace this new chapter of my life, wasn’t. She would blame my partner for “taking me away from her” and would tell me how much she dislikes him, how I shouldn’t be with him, calling him awful names that he doesn’t deserve. We’re now 2 children and 3 years deep into this ongoing issue, I don’t even know how we got to this stage where my mum hasn’t seen the kids for months, has she just chosen the drink over us? I told her back in April last year that I wanted her to get real help and I’d be there to support her but I couldn’t carry on like this anymore. Of course she didn’t get help so months went by where we wouldn’t speak then out of the blue she’d send messages like “how can you do this to me” “how can you stop me from seeing those children” “what did I ever do to deserve this” “I drink to drown my sorrows, if I could see the children I wouldn’t have a reason to drink”. My mum has been an alcoholic long before I became a parent, she was an alcoholic when I was a child (and I’m now 29) so I know that she isn’t going to give up the drink. I’m not prepared to put myself on the receiving end of her behaviour again for as long as she’s drinking, so I don’t see a life where she gets to be involved in our family?
Hi acoalistener,
I'm so sorry to hear all you have been through with your mum's drinking and abusive behaviour. I can only imagine how hard this was when you were at your most vulnerable post-partum, and for this to have gone on so long must be exhausting.
It must be so hard to hear your mum place blame on you for her drinking. You are not responsible in any way, and it is clear that you have been there as a supportive, encouraging daughter. You are perfectly in your right to put boundaries in place for the sake of your and your family's wellbeing. The boundaries around contact can only be decided by you, not anyone else, so it's important to do what you feel you can cope with.
Do you have any support around you? Please keep reaching out on here, and if you need further support you can always get in touch with the Nacoa helpline (helpline@nacoa.org.uk / 0800 358 3456).
Take good care,
Listener
Hi, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.
First of all please do remember your mums issues are absolutely nothing to do with you and often parents with issues will blame others to deflect from themselves.
You are not wrong for stopping your mum seeing your children, only you know what is best for them as their mother and as mentioned above sometimes we have to out boundaries in place to protect ourselves and others. It’s hard not to feel guilty sometimes when you do this but sometimes it’s the only way.
As I said you are not alone and rember nacoa are always here either via the helpline Nacoa helpline or on here -and often chatting and hearing others stories will show you, that many others have had to put boundries in place with their parents (helpline@nacoa.org.uk / 0800 358 3456).
Take care of yourself x
Hello. Absolutely you are in the right to protect you and your children. Your children are your responsibility and it's up to you what or who they see or don't see. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. I remember a conversation with a sibling when my mam was in the throws of alcoholism. At the time I had a 3 year old and a 1 year old and had just moved house which had a spare room. My sibling insisted that my mam moved in with us. This tore me apart because I wanted to make my new house my home and keep my babies safe. I sought professional advice and the above message was what they told me. If anything happened to my children whilst my mam was present that was my responsibility. Then I knew deep in my heart as their mammy that couldn't happen. Go with what your gut tells you. You are absolutely in control. You got this! We are always here to lend a supporting voice. Remember the 6 Cs. This isn't your fault x
Hi acoalistener.
I just wanted to add my support. I absolutely agree that you should hold whatever boundaries feel good for you. I once had a counsellor who said to me "look, just focus on the next generation. " It was unusually directive for a counsellor, but gave me permission to put myself and my children first. My parents (both alcoholics and chain smokers) had their chance at family life. Now it is mine. I do keep in touch with my parents, for me what feels OK is visiting every other month. I try to take them out so I don't have to sit in smoke, and of course this makes the visits reassuringly short as they soon need a fag! If they became rude or in any way abusive I would leave.
But there is another part of your comment I really want to pick up on. "The one person I thought would be there for me wasn't." My children are nearly grown up now but I have missed my Mum every step of the way. It has been like a long drawn out grief that I don't have that support or role model. It also means that my children are lacking two grandaparents (luckily my husband's family are much more supportive). This is a big thing. I found the books 'Motherless Daughters' and 'Motherless Mothers' by Hope Edelman really helpful. https://www.hopeedelman.com/books
The books are about people whose mothers died, but I resonated with so much because I was missing so much 'mothering.' It 's really hard, but with a mixture of female friends and various older women I have met through life, I seem to have made myself a kind of patchwork quilt of mothering. I know you can you do this and I give you the same permission that someone once gave me - to do whatever it takes for you to make the best (not perfect) family life you can. You've got this Mumma!