Hello.
It has been almost 1 year since I posted on this board about my dad. Remarkably he is still here but I can’t imagine it will be much longer.
I saw him today having heard he was struggling and I can’t stop thinking about him. I had to distance myself for most of the year as I tried everything, phoned every service, read everything online and I was making myself unwell in trying to think of how to fix it. I wanted to live my life and ignore it after I was certain I could do nothing.

He is so malnourished now, his feet are swollen so much his skin is shining. He can barely stand up from the sofa he sleeps on to even go to the toilet.
I tried to help by changing his sheets, tidying his house, hoovering, microwaving his meal and chatting to him in the short time I could be there. Am I doing it out of care? Guilt? To look like I’m not a terrible daughter? That I have naive hope he will see me wanting to help so he might change? Me generally not wanting to see someone suffering? I don’t even know the answer to that myself.

I am vaguely medical so I am aware the signs are not good with his feet and the potential for him having end stage liver/heart failure. He is taking non prescribed medications to numb the pain, but washing them down with vodka and still trying to hide it behind the sofa despite there being tens of empty bottles in the house.

How can an alcoholic find miraculous ways to defy the odds of getting a drink when they don’t have any, yet can’t defy odds to overcome it?

I keep it together and almost find myself dissociating from it most of the time. I say things like “I wish he would just die so he can finally stop suffering”, but that’s not what I want… I really want him to stop poisoning himself, to stop suffering, so he can finally LIVE. There are things he has never done and never will do now, there isn’t anything I can do to make him realise what he is missing out on.

I know nobody is to blame. I know I am grieving for a man who is still here, someone who’s brain was never going to allow him not to become this. Grief is an up and down journey and feels even more complicated when it’s not about death. I just hope that I can help make him feel comfortable, at least in some way, before he goes.

It’s a constant battle of thoughts of feeling guilty, selfish, to blame, helpless.

There are literally 0 benefits of alcohol, why isn’t it illegal.

I hope my rambling resonates with someone who might be feeling alone in their thoughts and feelings.