Rest in peace, Dad.
I have posted maybe twice before on here about my dad. I’m sad to say he passed away a few months ago, age 57. I always thought his passing would bring peace, but for me it is a very conflicting and contradictory experience.
It is hard to put my finger on why I feel so numb… I think I just have competing emotions of relief vs guilt and stress and anger.
I’ve cried once in this time, and I struggle to access any emotion other than anger.
Was the anticipatory grief useful in helping me prepare? Or is it my ongoing anger that he has left us with so much stress? Or the anger that he slipped away without saying anything? I always thought he would give some kind of apologies for being such a bad dad. I used to think that I would get the chance to hear that from him and tell him I forgave him, but no, he slipped away without a word. Almost as to leave without having to admit anything.
In some ways there’s relief that there will be no more torment, no more hospitals, no more 1am phonecalls, no more guilt tripping, no more sleepless nights researching his prognosis or how to save him.
I really hope that in the future I can properly grieve the loss of my father. Maybe when I have children who will never have known their grandad. How will I describe him to them? I hope at that point I can forgive him and remember the few good times.
So thank you NACOA for being there for me in the 3 years since I first found this. I hope to get involved in the charity walk next year. I hope others can read my words and relieve some of the terrible guilt many COAs seem to have around having such challenging circumstances to deal with, that many other children would never imagine.
Rip Dad. I hope death brings you the peace you couldn’t find in life.
Hi sunbear123,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. That can't have been an easy thing to share, so thank you for taking the time to do so and for being vulnerable. I hope you found some cathersis in the process, and it may help others out there who are also grieving to feel less alone.
Grief is a complex experience in itself, even without having lived with parental alcohol use. Losing a parent who drank often brings up multiple different emotions as you have described, especially anger, relief, guilt and numbness. Some people also find themselves spend time reflecting on what else they could have done to prevent things, like it was their responsibility (which of course it isn't). Others may feel as though there is "unfinished business" between themselves and the person who has died. Whatever you're going through, your feelings are valid and you may find the process non-linear i.e. certain thoughts or emotions may come and go at different times, and that's okay.
Either way, Nacoa will continue to be here for you and support you through every step of the way. For you and anyone else struggling with this, Nacoa also has a publication on the website aimed at helping those who have lost a parent which you can read here if you haven't already: https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/11/Coping-with-the-death-of-a-parent_for-children.pdf
- listener