Common Guilt?
My Father passed when I was 7 years old. My mum turned to alcohol due to this and has been a functioning Alcoholic most of my life (im 35 now), me and my sister never really grieved our dad due to having to look after our mother.
My childhood was full of neglect, the house was unkept, no hot water, mould on the walls, whilst me and my sister washed our selves with a kettle and tried to look after each other. My mum got off the sofa once a day and that was to basically go by more alcohol.
I grew up thinking this was normal until I had children of my own and saw how different my wife treated the children, I saw how all my children had hot baths and love from their mother, I was 25 years old when I realised what my childhood was not right. I have been battling mental health issues since and depression.
I sought help when I was 27 so that I could understand this hole I had developed and how it had now started to effect me wanting to be a father to my own children.
I sought counciling for and discovered my “inner child”. I have face my child hood head on, and i have somewhat made peace with it. My relationship with all my children is incredible and I cherish every single bit about them.
I have the past 2 years decided to cut my mother from my life, I feel my mum has tormented me as a child and an adult. She has years of being “dry” but learned behaviour takes over and she is just as toxic sober as she is drunk.
I have a lot of resentment towards all the “Adults” of my childhood, my grandparents, aunts and uncles, all of them never interveened with two children experiencing neglect and seeing things they shouldn’t see,
I currently have no relationship when any any of my familyboutside of Wife, kids and sister, nieces due to this.
My mother turns turns 70 next year, I feel guilty for her loneliness even though she has caused this her self. I feel somtimes even though I am 35 that I just want a mother that I can talk to or unload, just like what I wanted when I was 7. I speak to my mum once a month now, and after every communication my cup feels drained, and im triggered. I live in fear somtimes that I will have wasted my whole life looking after my mum.
Thanks for letting me post this. Ive never written this stuff down before and just writing it has made me feel better.
Hi sg,
I am so sorry to hear about the fact your Father passed when you were 7 and the aftermath that that left in terms of your Mum's drinking. It sounds like you and your sister were saddled with a lot of responsibility from a young age while also growing up in an environment where a range of your needs were not met. It's not suprising that this has left its mark on you. I'm glad that you felt able to share this and found it helpful, and I think it's great that you having been taking steps to try and help yourself by seeking professional support. It's also wonderful to hear that you have the relationship you do with your children.
The feelings that you describe (anger at the relatives who didn't intervene, guilt at your Mum's loneliness and the fear that you have wasted time) are completely valid and make sense. I'm glad you have felt able to implement boundaries with her to protect your own wellbeing, but it also must be hard grappling with conflicting feelings around this and it sounds as though you may be grieving the relationship you want with your mother.
Please know that you are not alone, and you can always talk to the helpline about this as much as you would like via email helpline@nacoa.org.uk or call on 0800 358 3456, Monday to Saturday 10am to 7pm.
- listener
Thank you for sharing. I hope it feels better to reach out. I totally relate to the feeling of resentment for not getting what I needed as a child/adult of someone with alcohol abuse. I am just so happy to hear that you are loving your children in a different way, and it gives me hope that if I have children I will be capable of that too.