I love my mum so much but i hate the person she is when she opens a bottle
Hi I’ve never really been one to open up about my mum and her drinking but earlier this year i reached my breaking point and i told but my mum doesn’t want to get help and that absolutely kills me every single day my mum started drinking when i was about 4 but it got really bad when i was around 11 im going to be 17 next year i honestly feel so bad because in the morning she is the best version of herself and the best mother to me possible but she starts drinking at 11 am and by 4pm i don’t even recognise my own mother and it kills me i feel absolutely terrible for loving her but i do!!! she’s put me through hell mentally and she still defends her actions i honestly do feel like a lost puppy because part of me wants to constantly be by her side making sure she’s okay but then the other half of me wants to work hard in college and make a life for myself so i can move out so i can get my dream job as a midwife so i can make my own family i feel so conflicted and even the thought of knowing that alcohol is going to kill my mum kills me every time its always me wondering how long until she goes will it be sudden or will i have warning ? i want my mum back the mum i see every morning not the mum i see when she’s drunk the feeling that alcohol is going to kill my mum consumes me every single day.. is it genetic will i be like her will i be a mother like her
Hi luxlox10,
I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum's drinking and the fact you tried broaching the subject with her but she is not ready to get help at the moment. It must be so hard spending every day living with two versions of the same parent and I can see from your post that you feel conflicted. It's okay to love your Mum but hate the problem, especially when you're left to deal with these kinds of questions which must be really hard. Your feelings are valid and it's okay to want a better life for yourself. You didn't cause your Mum's drinking, you can't control it or cure it but you can take care of yourself, make healthy choices and communicate your feelings.
Please know that you can always talk to the helpline about this as much as you would like via email helpline@nacoa.org.uk or call on 0800 358 3456, Monday to Saturday 10am to 7pm.
- listener
Hi luxlox,
I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I don't know whether this is at all helpful but I just want you to know that nothing you say or do will make your mum stop. I know how hard it is, I do and I'm not ready to accept my Dad's drinking but what I do know and what I'm trying to work towards accepting is that it is your Mum's choice. As much as you might hate it all you can do and what you need to do is be a bit selfish and do what you want to do because you deserve it. I don't know you but I do know that, because no one should blame themselves or change how they live because of others decisions. You should live your life how you want to and you should remember that you are not you mum and though you love her and always will, you won't live your life like her. You will get your dream and you will be an amazing mum and your mum will live to see it and be so proud of you. You probably already know all of this but I want to make sure you do and as I said I'm still trying to work towards this acceptance myself but I want to make sure you try to accept this too.
I hope at least some of this helps
Clemmie xx
thank you so much clemmie i’m so sorry about your dad you are so so so strong and although i don’t know you i am so proud of you thank you for your words they actually helped me a lot i want to achieve my dreams and live my life and hopefully i will thank you so so so much
lux xx
Hi luxlux
Thank you for sharing your feelings on here and please know that it's ok to love the person but hate their behaviour. I hope the previous replies have maybe helped you understand that your mum won't seek help until she wants to. That must be so difficult to comprehend when all you want to do is love and protect her.
I believe NACOA has a publication called 'Alcohol' that can be accessed via their website. It may help you understand any queries regarding genetic links.
You must choose your own pathway through life as you didn't cause your mum's drinking and neither are you responsible for it. As a retired midwife myself, I know that pursuing such a career is very worthwhile.
In the meantime please make sure you look after yourself in terms of nutrition, rest and communicating your feelings. You do matter and are important so don't neglect yourself. Your mum's been drinking for a long time which can erode your self-esteem. Have you got a close friend or trusted family member you can talk to for support?
With very best wishes
papaya29
hi papaya29
thank you so much for ur comment it actually means so so much to me my dream is to become a midwife and i honestly hope i achieve it i want to be the best mum and the best midwife and live my life thank you so much for ur advice ill be sure to take it on board
lots of love
lux xx