77 year old mum

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rachel

Mum has always had a few drinks but after my dad died in 2021 it has become progressively worse.
I’m 45 and she is 77.
She lives alone most of the time but family come to stay. She drink daily. Currently up to 2-3 bottles of wine a day.
This is very new to me and I do not know how to approach the situation.
I know she will not stop. She has no desire to stop.
Most recently she had run out of alcohol and started asking the neighbours to get her some.
Does anyone have advice on how to navigate this situation?
Thanks for reading.

  • run79

    Hi Rachel,

    First of all I am sorry to learn of what you are going thought but thank you for reaching out here.
    I understand sadly what you are going through and it can’t be easy to watch your mum going through this.
    Unfortunately as I learned, certain people can only stop themselves if they see they have an issue and will often not admit their problem to those ones they love or often become hostile if you try and speak to them about it. I am not sure if you have tried to have a conversation with her about it?
    It sounds like since your father’s death she has used drinking as a crutch to get her through her grief. Would she be open to any help if it were suggested as maybe she needs help for processing her grief and loneliness first and maybe you could suggest that if she is not open to you talking to her about her drinking.
    Just remember you can’t control it and you didn’t cause it and you have to also look after yourself and sometimes be selfish, as hard as that sometimes can be. No one situation is the same but do know here at Nacoa, many of us have been through similar situations so please do read the stories on the website and Instagram so that you can see, you are not alone.
    Do you yourself have friends or anyone you can speak too as I know all to well what you must feel on your shoulders.
    Take care and we are always here

  • sparklecoordinator

    Your 1st step was finding us. We are a lovely bunch who have either lived or living through what your going through. I remember feeling like I had to fix my mam and looking back now I realise that this was an impossible task. Are the neighbours OK about this or do they do as asked. You need to put yourself 1st. This will seem difficult but protecting yourself is what matters and doing what makes you feel comfortable. Nacoa is there to chat if you need to talk to anyone.

  • listener

    Hi,
    Thank you so much for posting and for sharing what you have of how things are for you. It can feel overwhelming when we first approach the problem. One of the most important things is that you know that you aren’t alone, and I hope you can feel that by sharing here.
    Have you ever been able to talk with mum about her drinking? Nacoa have a publication with some guidance on having a conversation with someone and dismantling the common defensiveness reaction.
    https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Talking-to-someone-about-their-drinking.pdf
    Equally it may be that you feel you have tried this already. Something we talk about a lot here are The Six C’s.
    I didn’t cause it
    I can’t control it
    I can’t cure it
    I can take care of myself
    I can communicate my feelings
    I can make healthy choices.
    This sounds so much for you to navigate, particularly alongside your own bereavement. The Nacoa helpline is here for you too, as a listening ear, for signposting to local services or as a place to explore how things feel and how you might like them to look differently. They will listen, never judge and truly do understand. You can call or email and there is no limit to the number of times a person can be in touch. The helpline number is 0800 358 3456 or you can email helpline@nacoa.org.uk.
    Listener

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