One of three
This is a mess.
I’m approaching my 40s. One of three children of an alcoholic parent.
Two years ago we found him, nearly dead at the bottom of his stairs, he’d fallen and being lying in his own filth for, we think
, 5days. He was hours from death.
I’ll never know how he survived that. In some ways I hoped he wouldn’t have done so that he didn’t need to live in the misery any more.
He’s gone back to that dark place again and again since. I learnt a long time ago, he was never going to stop. I had 17years of absence for him to protect myself.
Yet here we are. His near death somehow sucking me back in…
He messaged me today to say he’s back in his “house” to sort the “mess” out. I needed that message today like I needed a hole in the head.
I hate waiting each day wondering if this might be the day someone knocks on the door to say he’s gone, or his neighbour calls, or a doctor.
He’s not able to be saved. Not by himself or anyone. He’s been this way his entire life. A brilliant brain, ruined. Three grown children without a dad. Multiple grandchildren without a grandad.
Some people say I’m “boundaried” and brave for keeping my distance. Ish. It’s more a case of self preservation. I can’t go down with him on this awful self destructive ship.
Please don’t reply with the five sentences. I read them every day. They don’t help. They won’t make this better.
They won’t take away the impossibily complex situation we’ve grown up in.
They won’t take away the impossible feeling of guilt in wishing he’d go now and find peace somewhere.
Of my love or wish for normal love from and to him.
What a mess.
One day we’ll have to get a house clearing company in to sort his hoarding house, riddled with damp, mould, moths and lord knows what else. The stench of finding him in that can’t be forgotten. It’s his home, I see it’s all he’s had. But few will understand the devastation of finding your father in such a state after 17 years of absence from your life.
What a mess. What a mess.
And yes, he’s been offered help time and time again.
Hi thisisamess,
Thank you for taking the time to share.
I can really relate to this as I've had similar experiences with my own dad. He's now in his mid-70s and my sister and I have had several phone calls like the ones you mention from neighbours etc letting us know something bad has happened. Again.
Like you, I've distanced myself from him as it's too painful to get too close.
Watching a parent go through this is so hard and I think the guilt you mention about wishing he'd go now is common for children of alcoholics.
Has something happened recently to prompt your posting here?
I don't know if you've called the Nacoa helpline, but it might be helpful to talk to someone about what you're feeling.
Take care, and please remember you're not alone.
This sounds so familiar. When my mam was alive she lived in an embarrassing state. She like your dad nearly went to the other side but she gave up and went to hospital for 3 weeks ans detoxed. Enough time to empty 36 black bin bags from my old bedroom. We even got stopped from going back to the tip as they thought we were a business. We got the house all lovely. Well as good as it could be she was sober 3 months. We were told she would die if she drank again. As predicted 9 months later I found her asleep. One thing I've learned now out the situation is that my mam was tormented mentally and I wish I had that understanding when she was alive. Even though we expected her to die as we could see her skin and eyes change colour day by day it was still the biggest shock. I hope you find the peace you are looking for. It's an awful situation to be in but when you think why me. Remember lots of us have had that moment and you really are not alone. We can help support you in the way you find peace x
Thank you for sharing what you have of your story. I know others will hear you and understand you here. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and the trauma of finding your dad in that state.
Self-preservation is sometimes a necessity when dealing with a parent who drinks. Your preservation, your wellbeing, your happiness – these things matter. You matter. These choices do take huge courage and bravery. At the same time, it is also heartbreaking that you have had to make such difficult choices. You shouldn’t have had to, and there is trauma in the decision of these things.
I hear you that the five sentences aren’t helpful right now. You are right, there are no easy answers and there is no easy way forward. This is so much for you to carry. Do you have people you can talk to who understand?
Just because your dad is unable to accept help or change his situation doesn’t mean that things can’t feel differently for you. If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to or just to have someone with you, Nacoa is here. You’re not alone.
It really resonated with me, when you spoke of your guilt for wishing he would go now and find some peace. It is devastating to watch someone we love suffer so much and to see the ripple effects throughout the family – you are allowed to have thoughts like this. They’re common amongst COA’s and I hope that with that knowledge you can begin to unburden some of the weight of that guilt from yourself.
I hope you can find some community on the message boards. You’re welcome to reach out to Nacoa’s helpline, too. They’re available Monday to Saturday from 10am to 7pm. You can email helpline@nacoa.org.uk or call 0800 358 3456. If the lines are busy, you can leave a voicemail with your name and number, and one of their volunteers will call you back as soon as they’re able.
Listener