At my wits end
My mum is in her early 60s and has been an alcoholic for over 20 years.
She has been to rehab twice and started drinking immediately when she left.
People keep saying ‘she needs to hit rock bottom’ but honestly what is that? She’s been found by strangers passed out in the park, she’s fallen over so many times smashing her teeth out and giving herself black eyes. More recently she spent over a month in hospital after turning yellow and bloating up – the doctor told her if she drinks she will die, next time her liver will not recover. She came out of hospital and within days is drinking again. I just genuinely cannot understand it??
I recently got engaged and was going through the guest list and my brother commented that mum probably won’t be here. It breaks my heart but also I’m so numb to it now, I’m just waiting for the phone call to say she’s dead.
I even said to her she needs to start making funeral arrangements because neither me or my brother are paying for it and she didn’t even take it on board.
Can anyone relate to this? I’m just so so frustrated and angry that my whole adult relationship with my mum has been awful. I’m jealous that my friends have seemingly such close relationships with their mums, it makes me so sad.
Hey!
You are not alone with this,
My mother is an alcoholic for as long as I can remember too, she is very unwell now too. I spent my entire childhood to wondering when she was going to die.
I am due to get married soon, and my mom was abusive and we were neglected when she was drunk so I’m not inviting her, and we don’t really have a relationship anymore, as she continues to drink and abuse me. Sometimes you have to save yourself, I’ve spent decades wondering why.
I don’t think you will ever be able to understand it or save her. Her actions in themselves are a language, and the best thing I did was to create boundaries
I understand it can be hard to not be jealous, I spent time on this too. Again, try not to focus on this, and how lucky your friends are that they don’t have to go through what we did. I spent a lot of time watching other families and feeling sad too, chose peace and focus on yourself.
There so many books out there - “our your past and change your future”
Hi,
I'm glad you have found some space to speak here. How did it feel to write some of this out and share it?
Those feelings you describe of jealousy, frustration and anger are all incredibly valid and you really aren’t alone in this. Please do continue to talk, you don't have to hold this by yourself.
Of course, it breaks your heart and many will relate to your words. Sometimes when things are particularly overwhelming and painful our brains step in and shut the feelings down for a while - doing its best to keep us safe.
Pa’s response is right too ‘sometimes you have to save yourself’ and create boundaries. Only the drinker can be the one to stop and with help some can. It sounds like you’ve been dealing with mum’s illness for such a long time. It’s incredibly hard when someone is an alcoholic, alcohol can become a coping mechanism and overtime a person can feel it is the only one that they have left. It’s so important to remember that you matter in this.
When people give comments of somebody needing to hit rock bottom, they sometimes fail to think about the impact on those around the drinker.
Have you got a close friend you can confide in? Or a work colleague. Talking can help. And importantly remembering to look after you, you are important too and are looking at your future with your partner. I know Nacoa have some good publications particularly with ‘alcoholism’ and ‘family illness’.
There are people and places who understand. AlAnon runs groups for anyone affected by someone else’s drinking. And you can always reach out to Nacoa, or here again on the message boards.
Kindest Wishes,
Listener
If you're feeling lost about how to help her, seeking guidance from professionals or looking into detox center near me might offer some support and direction. They could provide resources and strategies for dealing with the situation and navigating your mom's addiction.
If you're feeling lost about how to help her, seeking guidance from professionals or looking into https://www.virtuerecoverychandler.com/addiction-treatment-programs-chandler-az/detox-program might offer some support and direction. They could provide resources and strategies for dealing with the situation and navigating your mom's addiction.
Remember to also take care of yourself during this challenging time. You're not alone, and there are people and resources out there ready to help.
nw5 when I read your post I thought I was reading my own story. Sorry you’re going through all of this.
I’ve had to go no contact with my mother. I’m also recently engaged and planning my wedding, she’s not invited.
I spent my whole life trying to rescue my mum and making allowances for her. It never did any good.
In January she told me I’m toxic, I need therapy and I treat her like shit. This was after she spent months in hospital for alcohol related liver disease and nearly died and I was there all the time and spent most days crying worried about her. After all that she denied having an alcohol problem and raged at me when I mentioned it.
She’s frail and old and people tell me it’s not her it’s her disease. Does that mean I have to put up with neglect and abuse that’s been going on for decades?
I couldn’t do it any more.
I feel guilty and very sad and a lot of grief but overall I feel a lot lot better than when I was still having a relationship with her.
I didn’t want any of this. I want her to be happy and healthy that’s all I ever wanted. I also realise I have zero power to make that happen and whether I have contact with her or not makes no difference to that outcome.
Sounds like a few of you are going through the same in terms of an alcoholic mum and getting married, as am I! I’m 35, 2 children under 2 and getting married this summer. My mum drank for as long as I can remember and says she’s sober now, but shes caused so much damage that I don’t ever speak to her on the phone, only WhatsApp. I was also told by a family member that she drank last Xmas, so my trust is broken anyway.
We’re not inviting her to our wedding but just not telling her otherwise she’ll use it as an excuse to drink. My gran is currently putting pressure on me because she doesn’t want to lie to my mum about going, my argument is that I don’t owe her anything but also I don’t want her to know because she will then make it about her, say she’s not invited and drink. That’s my worry anyway. I do feel guilty because if she really is sober then she’ll miss out on my day, but I don’t want to be worried all day as to whether or not she’ll drink and cause embarrassment. It is so hard and I feel for you too because as a woman you want your mum at your wedding, but if she’s been abusing herself to the point of hospitalisation (my mum also went to rehab twice and drank the day she came out, and started seeing someone she met in there and started an affair!) then you have to put yourself first- this is your day. I hope you have the most special day and put aside any resentment that friends have ‘normal’ mums, that’s what I’m going to try and do!