I miss My Alcoholic mum

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spencer

Hi I’m am 10 years old my mum is a Alcoholic she has kicked me out of her house several times She hit me because of her alcohol issues she puts alcohol over me and I’ve had social services my whole life. It is not fun at all I hate it. It is really hard and so sad I hate how she’s put alcohol over me. She spit on me she hit me even invited friends over to hit me she had several boyfriend’s who trying to help me. My dad he’s been there every time he is trying his very hardest to help and I live with him now. It is the worst
because my sister she’s gone through the exact same thing my dad was there for my sister my sister is my half sister it is not good I haven’t seen my mum for 4 months it’s just really annoying I really love her but she puts alcohol over me and keeps telling me I am lying so doesn’t want to see me. people at school all have parents that don’t drink as much and there’s just me and I’ve even taking friends home and they seen wine bottles everywhere.
Why do I still miss her when she isn’t nice to me and why does she pick it over me ?

So if any one can help me just give me any advice please let me know
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  • listener

    Hi,

    The first thing I want to say is that my heart goes out to you – I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and for what you are still going through. You’ve done the right thing in talking and sharing. I know sometimes it can feel frightening or disloyal but opening up and telling others what’s going on is one of the bravest and kindest things we can do for ourselves.

    You’re not alone in missing your mum – I know it’s a painful feeling and sometimes you might like for it to just to go away. Often we have all kinds of feelings towards our parents and more often than not these feelings end up being conflicting. This can start to feel a bit messy in our heads and so it can be helpful to just try and take these feelings as they come. Sometimes we spend so much time wondering why we feel something we can forget to just accept that that’s how we feel. Feelings themselves tend to be a bit out of our control. It might not be about ‘why’ you miss her and it might instead just be that you do! And that’s okay to feel. It’s alright to miss her. You’re not doing anything wrong.

    Your second question is another really good one. I’m not sure there’s one right answer as to why she ‘picks it over you’. In fact, it may be that she doesn’t see it as picking it over you at all. That doesn't mean though that it's not valid it feels that way for you. Alcoholism is a disease - It often starts as a way for people to cope with their problems in life but slowly it starts to take over. What started as a way to feel ‘better’ begins to become ‘essential’ to getting up or getting dressed and getting through the day. A lot of the time we want to change our parents and help them get better. The truth is that if you’ve ever tried to change something about yourself, maybe to be more confident or to be better at something in school, you know how hard just that can be! Now if you imagine trying to do that for someone else you’ll see you’re face with a very big and difficult challenge.

    www.nacoa.org.uk/support-advice/for-children/

    A theme you might see on the children’s section of the Nacoa website I’ve attached above is a feeling of ‘not being enough’ – it can be really easy to look at our parents drinking and wonder why we aren’t more important/enough for them to stop. The reality is that there isn’t anything we can do to make them stop because it isn’t really about us. It’s not about how funny we are or how clever we are in school or how much we love them – it’s about their mental health and their coping mechanisms and their alcoholism.

    It can help to look at the six C’s:
    • I didn’t cause it
    • I can’t control it
    • I can’t cure it
    • I can take care of myself
    • I can communicate my feelings
    • I can make healthy choices

    From what you’ve written it sounds as though you’re already starting to do these things. You’re communicating your feelings and taking care of yourself which leads to making healthier choices. You’re doing a really good job, even if it can feel really hard. Do you feel you can talk to your dad or your sister about missing mum and how confusing that can feel? Or perhaps there’s a teacher at school you might trust?
    You should know too that Nacoa has a helpline you can ring or email. Their helpline counsellors are kind, understand and will never judge. They can be a listening ear and hold a space for you where you can be heard.

    warmest wishes,
    Listener

  • ashbash

    Hi Spencer
    I am really sorry to hear about how you are feeling. It sounds like things have been very difficult for you.
    When I was a child, I had social services involved with me too because of my Mum's drinking and so I understand how horrible that must be for you.
    The feelings of loving your Mum are normal and it is okay for you to love your Mum even though she has hurt you. Sometimes, when someone has an issue with alcohol or is drunk, it can cause them to act in ways they maybe wouldn't if they were not drinking.
    Please remember this is not your fault and it is okay to miss your Mum.
    Please reach out again if you need to and take care x

  • psychmentor

    Spencer I hope you see this. I want to firstly say that you are not alone and you have every right to still miss your mum, even though she has done some horrible things to you, you are clearly aware that it is the alcohol that is making her do these things.

    Alcoholism is a disease that takes over your brain and makes people do things that they don't mean. Saying that, it doesn't make anything better when you're in that situation.
    My mum also drank when I was your age, I had a little brother who I tried to protect but we went through it together and ended up moving in with our dad too. There were times when I missed my mum as well, but I knew that for my own safety I had to build a life away from her while she was drinking.
    My mum was also really mean and called me a liar too, now that I'm older I know it is because I was an easy target and it mad her feel powerful to make someone else feel bad, that is what alcohol does. You are not a bad person and if it was someone else there, she would do the same to them so please don't ever think anything is your fault.
    I remember being at school and all my friends mums were so nice, I wished mine was the same, but I'd come home to bottles everywhere, or hidden (not very well!), I used to confide in my family and also write a little journal of my feelings. I found this really helped me when I was blaming myself. I still look back on them now and I now have my own little girl (I'm 34 now).
    It is ok to still miss your mum, I bet it's because when she doesn't drink she's a really nice person. That is often the case with alcoholics, and was the same with my mum.
    Just know that you are not alone, you can always write to the message boards and when you feel down, think of all the things you have to look forward to in your life, how much of an amazing person you can become because all these experiences will make you stronger and be able to help people who have been through what you have. Take good care of yourself.

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