I’m in a really difficult place right now and could use some advice on navigating a situation that has only grown more complicated over time.

A few years ago, I went through cancer treatment, and one of the hardest parts was realising that the people I expected to be there for me weren’t. My mother promised to visit, but she would either forget or come up with some excuse.

My mother hasn’t drunk heavily since 2016, but we don’t talk much anymore, and I no longer live with her. When she did drink, though, it was a constant struggle for me. I remember asking her not to drink as a child, and she would get angry, as though it was my fault or like I was somehow the problem. At times, she would say she drank to cope with her unhappy marriage to my stepdad, and she’d share things with me that were far too much for a child to handle. It felt like I was carrying her pain, but I had no way of understanding it. She would make promises—about attending events, about things improving—but she never followed through.

Looking back, I see how much her alcohol dependence shaped my adolescence, but I still feel ashamed of how I acted out. My teenage and young adult years were a blur of panic, just going through the motions. I desperately wanted her love, but I was angry, and I lashed out in ways I regret. That sting hasn’t faded—she wasn’t there when I needed her most, and I’m still struggling with that and feel ashamed to admit that – like I’m using it as a justification for my bad behaviour.

Now, I’m facing the possibility of a recurrence. It could be nothing, but I’m scared, and the unresolved issues with my mother are still there, lurking beneath the surface. Even though I’m an adult now, I still feel that pull toward her.

Our recent conversations have only widened the gap between us. When I asked her not to promise visits she couldn’t keep, she became angry and accused me of manipulating her words and ended the call. In the past, she has blamed me for her absence when I was sick, pointing to my behaviour as a child. Yes, I struggled with her drinking, acted out, and I wasn’t the child who turned out to be a picture of grace under pressure. But hearing that she didn’t visit because I was a ‘bad child’ still stings, especially when she’s been sober for over a decade. I can’t help but wonder if her behaviour now is still shaped by the years of drinking, and how that past continues to affect us —and how it might be affecting me.

When I try to talk to her, I struggle to control my emotions, often saying the wrong things that only make her angry and cause her to shut down. I try to explain myself, both to her and to others, like the people reading this post (thank you), but I never feel like I get through. It’s like I’m stuck in a loop, repeating myself without getting anywhere, and it just leads to more heartache. Yet, despite all of this, I still hold onto the belief that there’s a way to reach her, if I can only figure out how.

One thing I’ve been wondering and would appreciate some insight on is this: Could my mother’s emotional distance and erratic behaviour still be linked to her past drinking? I know she’s been sober for over a decade, but I can’t help but wonder if the issues from that time are still affecting her—and me—in ways I don’t fully understand.

This situation feels incredibly isolating, and I’m struggling to find others who truly understand what these kinds of dynamics feel like. I’m not looking for judgement on her—just some guidance, or any observations from those who may have been in a similar situation.

I realise this is a muddled account of my situation. I’m trying so hard to find some sense in all of this because I still feel very much like a kid who just wants their parent.