Letter to my mum, I hope someone can relate to feel better
Dear mum,
First, I love you.
It’s Thursday evening, just before Christmas, and I am sitting here alone on the sofa staring at the Christmas tree. I’m extremely sad, angry, disappointed, hurt, afraid, and guilty. It’s a mix of every emotion. I’m asking myself why. Why are we not good enough? Why is this happening to us? What can I do to make it better? Im 35 now and despite being an adult woman I still feel as powerless as I did when I was 10.
I grew up to be a good person. I am well educated, I have a good job, I’ve traveled, I have a good relationship. Honestly I don’t how I ended up being just fine. I do not want to blame anyone for the hardship me and my sister had to go through. Alcoholic and abusive parents. Growing up being the most adult person in the family, protecting the family from looking “bad” to the outside world. Lying around about my parents drinking problems.
But despite that, I adore you. I’ve always felt the need to protect you from the world. I never wanted you to get hurt. Sometimes I was angry and mean but because I just wanted you to stop for us. For you to realise that you can live differently.
I wanted you to always feel that I am there for you, I listened to your problems and your hurts, I took you on holidays and trips because I wanted you to feel better. But part of me always wanted to feel better too. I needed to feel in control. If you were not drinking it meant that what I was doing was enough. And that’s all I ever really wanted, to feel enough. Because if I was enough why would you need that drink….
The past 5 years have been the most difficult ones of my life. Maybe because I don’t have the nativity and hope of a child who just loves its mum. This year is however the breaking point for me. The many binges, detoxes, support calls, sleepless nights, hospital stays, lies and lies. All on repeat. The good days no longer bring enough light as the fear of relapse hangs over them.
I know you are ill. I know we are not the cause and I also know now that I can’t be your saving grace.
The pain I carry, the fear I have every day. The hyper vigilance that is killing me daily needs to stop. I know you deeply do not want this for me. I just do not know what to do anymore. It’s killing me inside. I am being closed off to the world. I am snappy and mean to Ben. I don’t speak to my friends. I work too much to forget. I don’t sleep. I juggle between thoughts of not speaking to you anymore until (and whether) you get help and of extreme fear and guilt (what if you don’t get better). I check whether you’re online 50 times a day. I don’t live a normal life.
I know deeply that you know that this hurts me so much because I would do anything to have my sober beautiful mum coming here for Christmas. But here I am knowing this Christmas is now going to be another terrible dent in our lives.
I don’t blame you for your drinking. I blame you for not fighting for you, I blame you for not seeing that you are killing yourself and us with it and not looking for real help.
What do you do when having everything is not enough? I have no more power in me to fight for you. I love you so much but I can’t help anymore. I am sorry you’re hurting but I am hurting too. I will be here with open arms if you choose to get proper professional help.
I have my own healing to do because today, I am not okay. I need time to be alone away from the alcohol demons that have been around for way too long.
Please find real help for you.
With so much love,
H
Hi strouhanka,
Thank you for sharing this letter for your mum. I hope it helped to get those words out. It’s so hard seeing the ones we love so much struggle with addiction. I love that you recognise in this letter that it isn’t your fault. Sometimes it helps me to remember that addiction is a cruel disease and one of the hardest to overcome. Sending you love this holiday season, take good care of yourself. You can come back here any time, you’re not alone <3
Hello
This sounded like me before my mam died.
I've come to realise that she did love me and us. What she didn't love was the trauma that followed her throughout the years and that's the reason she drank.
It's so difficult to see this unfold infront of you. Knowing the pattern that follows year after year around Christmas time.
We stand with you to support you and also remember the Nacoa 6 C's. Also remember the Nacoa helpline there's lovely people on the end of the telephone to talk through if you need a chat or some advice.
Dear H,
Thank you so much for sharing this letter. How was it to write this out? There is a huge amount of power in your words here. I can really feel your fear, grief, anger and exhaustion as well as the raw love you hold for your mum.
You wrote that you hope someone can relate and feel better. I hope you know that there are others who will relate. You aren’t alone.
So many COA’s can relate to that vast range of emotions, often contradicting, that appear all at once and battle it out for first place. It can feel overwhelming to feel so many at once. It’s so positive that you were able to write out and share those feelings.
I could really relate to the feeling of, despite being an adult, feeling as powerless as when you were a child – thank you for sharing that. I think a lot of us hold that child within us still and, sometimes, it needs some additional care to know it’s loved, safe and not at fault.
You are enough. And the child that you were was always enough too.
You wrote about understanding mum is hurting but knowing that you are hurting too. I just want to reassure you that it really is okay to take steps back if you need to. It’s okay to create boundaries that keep you safe and well. The past five years sound an enormous weight on you. The cycles of binges and detoxes and the painful swings between hope and hurt that they can bring can be impossibly painful. What kind of support system do you have at the moment?
Nacoa sometimes talks about the ‘Six C’s:
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
Please know that the Nacoa helpline is here for you. You can call, or email, and have space to be heard in whatever you’re feeling. Their regular opening hours are 10am to 7pm Monday to Saturday and they’re open every day over Christmas.
Listener
Thanks everyone for your kind words. It's always harder during the holidays 😓