Mom in denial about addiction
My mom is in complete denial of her addiction and I don’t know what to do anymore. Whenever I confront her about her drinking she treats me like I’m the one accusing her of something and I’m a liar and I’m sick of it. My entire family lives all over the world and she moved closer to me but we send her to rehab many years ago and she’s mentioned “jokingly” according to her how much she hates me because of it. I feel she wants to ruin my life she’s always bad mouthing my husband and its like a spell ill be so happy then when she’s here (she works away sometimes) I’m so negative and depressed. She’s always talking about how great my sister is but never wants to inconvenience her. I’ve recently saw evidence that’s she’s drinking again and I honestly want to tell her to grow up but I’m the only one here so I have to be nice. Help I’m so under her spell I’m pretty sure it’s codependency? I just want to do what’s right but be happy too.
First of all I am so sorry to learn what you are going through and by reaching out on here, please do know you are not alone.
Unfortunately it sounds like your mum does not realise or want to confront her issue, so to distract from it, she is acting in this way. It’s very difficult to help someone that won’t admit or see their issue ( I had the same thing with my mother)
Do you have other people close to you that you can talk too?
From my own experience I eventually had to look after myself and for me this meant putting a distance between myself and mum at that time but i understand that is not always easy for everyone, as our instant desire is to try and protect our loved ones but also remember you need protecting as well.
You say you are worried about confronting her as you are the only one there and have to be nice, but also realize this is putting a huge burden on yourself. Can you reach out to your sister and try together to show your mum what impact she is having on all your lives and that you are only wanting her to get help, as you care for her etc?
Just remember Nacoa is always here to listen so you can reach out at anytime on here or via the helpline
Hi phoenixschild,
I’m so glad you came here to share how you feel. Denial is such a common aspect to addiction, someone’s mind can play tricks on them to justify their behaviour and they convince themselves they are still in control of the situation. It’s very hard to see someone you love and care about go through this, and it seems so obvious to us that they have a problem and need to seek help. It sounds like you have a complicated relationship with your mum but love her very much. Sometimes it helps me to remember the Nacoa 6 C’s:
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
You can also call the helpline if you’d like to speak to someone. Tale good care of yourself <3
Hi phoenixschild,
Thank you so much for sharing how things are feeling for you. How was it to write this out?
It’s really understandable that you feel ‘under her spell’ sometimes. A lot of COA’s experience such a complicated relationship with their parent. We might love them and want the best for them, but we can also feel incredibly strong anger, resentment or grief. It sounds so hard to hear her talking so positively about your sister and then negatively about you for trying to offer her support and help.
Denial is really common with alcoholism, sometimes we refer to it as DENIAL – Don’t Even Know I Am Lying.
Nacoa has a publication on Codependency, I’ll link it below for you.
https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Introduction-to-Codependency.pdf
There’s also a great publication on the impact of alcoholism on a family and the roles we sometimes take on in childhood and beyond – I wonder if you can see yourself in any of those? Sometimes just understanding patterns in our behaviour can a huge step to feeling differently.
https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Alcohol-the-Family-Illness.pdf
Smart Recovery offer some courses and resources for friends and family of a person with alcohol addiction, if you felt that might be helpful too.
https://smartrecovery.org.uk/general-resources/?tag=family-and-friends
Nacoa’s helpline is open to you too. You can call, or email, and a helpline counsellor will listen and give you space to talk through what you’re feeling. The helpline is open Monday to Saturday 10am to 7pm. They are also open every day over Christmas from the 24th up to, and including, January 1st.
Thank you again, truly, for sharing how things are for you.
Listener