Mum’s gone
My mum has been an alcoholic all my life. The last decade things got worse and worse, and she died from decompensated liver disease on 3rd March.
I have been trying to make her better for so many years it was core to my identity, but in June 2024 I hit my limit and cut contact. I’ve thought about ‘going back in’ recently, especially after Christmas day when I felt so sad for her. She was in hospital at the time and I didn’t go to see her.
Now she is gone I don’t know how to cope. It would be her birthday tomorrow. Her funeral is 31 March. I found this website after Google searching how to survive if your mum died and she was an alcoholic. It’s coming in waves, particularly at night time it feels like it’s unsurvivable. The grief, guilt, regret, loss, anger…
I don’t think people around me understand how complex it is, losing any parent is awful but I do think addiction makes it harder.
Hi daffodil,
I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. This is still so recent and raw.
I can hear how painful this is, and understandably so. Losing a parent to alcohol is incredibly complex and can trigger many conflicting thoughts and feelings. It can also feel quite isolating because it is not often talked about openly, so you can be left feeling alone with it all.
It is really common for COA’s to feel they are to blame or responsible somehow for their parent's drinking / passing. This is so hard to sit with, but it's important that you hear that alcoholism is a disease and, just like any disease, a family member isn’t at fault. I appreciate that this won't take that feeling away but think it's important you hear it from an outside perspective. We have something we refer to a lot called The Six C’s which can help with these feelings:
• I didn’t cause it
• I can’t cure it
• I can’t control it
• I can take care of myself
• I can communicate my feelings
• I can make healthy choices
You might find the following leaflet helpful: https://nacoa.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/04/Coping-with-the-death-of-a-parent_for-adults.pdf
Please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Warmest wishes,
Listener
Hi daffodil
First of all I am so sorry for the loss you are going through.
As a Nacoa member and volunteer your email sounded like me almost three years ago so I resonate so much with what you are going through and the conflicting feelings you will be having.
Firstly some times you have to step away from your mum as you did and as I did, in order to protect ourselves so please do not feel guilty at this, as many of us in those situations will feel guilt but please know that this is normal to feel this, especially when it’s so recent as well.
To be honest with you I felt huge guilt and grief for around two years and it’s only coming up to the 3rd year that that side is easing for me, so know you are not alone in what you going through. I find a way of trying to deal with this is remember the person with the addiction has to help themselves and no matter how hard we may try, unless they accept they have a issue, it is very hard to be able to change them.
I am so glad you ahve found Nacoa and please do look through peoples stories on the site, as you will see many others have the same feelings and in someway I hope this brings a little comfort as it did in me.
Losing a parent to addiction like you say is very different than a normal loss as you ahve guilt and grief to deal with at the same time, so if you don’t have people to confide in then do call Nacoa or use this board as you have done x
And as the other reply mentions please remember this
didn’t cause it
• I can’t cure it
• I can’t control it
• I can take care of myself
• I can communicate my feelings
• I can make healthy choices
Please take care and I am always here to chat too
Thank you both for these replies. They really did help. Everyone has been so kind and supportive and well meaning but sometimes their words just don't feel right.
Hi daffodil,
That's understandable. It can often be helpful talking to people who are completely outside of your situation, and of course people who have an understanding of what you might be going through.
You're very welcome and I hope you feel able to reach out whenever you need to talk <3
Take care,
Listener