I read a book recently which mentioned Nacoa and its taken me a little while to get here. I am just so thankful this place exists.

As with most stories, mine is like many others. I am pretty confident my Mum as been an alcoholic since I was a child. I used to find wine bottles hidden in the house, and she used to drink a bottle of wine a night. She would constantly be having accidents (falling down the stairs etc) and end up in hospital (now as an adult I understand this was linked to alcohol). I didn’t want my Mum to be taken away from me so I tried to cover up her behaviour. She was openly suicidal (and would tell this to me) and was extremely volatile. My childhood was fraught with chaos, divorce and my volatile and emotionally abusive mum was the centre of my universe. It wasn’t really until early twenties when my anxiety and low mood became out of control that I started to properly reflect and once in therapy, started to realise my Mum wasn’t this incredible strong independent (victim) single mother I praised her for. I began to start telling my friends and family that my Mum was actually quite mean to me, and often sends me abusive/manipulative messages.

Thankfully my mum met a wonderful partner 7 years ago, and he wouldn’t tolerate her excessive smoking and drinking habits. This saw a turning point in her life and she got her act together and for the first time since around the age of 7 that I realised someone was looking after her, and I could breathe.

Well, in January of this year her partner died, randomly and unexpectedly at home. He was a retired nurse and there were no signs of illness. Devastatingly, my Mum has gone right back to how she was 7 years ago. I really thought that 7 years of having a stable life, she wouldn’t be back there. I moved her in with me (TERRIBLE idea), as I discovered she was in debt and was essentially on the brink of homelessness. 9 months later, I managed (through sheer grit and determination) to fix all of her issues – she is debt free, has good monthly pension earnings and now resides independently in rented elderly accommodation. This year has been close to living hell for me. Incredibly challenging and triggering having her in my safe place, my home and seeing her behave like she did as a I was a child (largely driven by excessive drinking). The whole time she was in my home I was worried she would die in my house. She would fall out of bed and not be able to get up again.

She is of course in denial about her drinking. The day before her move, I found her face down in my kitchen (haven fallen over when drunk) she had a black eye and was off her face. I was extremely upset and angry, and shouted at her and asked whether she had a drink (this was around 11.00am) and she finally admitted she had drunk wine that morning. When she was moving out, I found 2 massive empty bottles of vodka. She would buy wine boxes and drink those in her room. She would also drink a lot and place her bottles in a bag in the recycling bin and say that it was someone else placing their bottles there. I believe when she drinks that she gets very angry and sends me awful messages (what a horrible daughter I am etc). The next day she just pretends everything is fine, never apologises etc. Her drinking is 100% escalating. I have noticed that she is shaking a lot, complaining about feeling anxious and she is constantly ill all of the time (vomiting etc). To make matters worse, she also has leukaemia & arthritis and takes a lot of medication including pain killers which should not be mixed with alcohol. I feel so angry and so upset about what is happening. Bizarrely I feel shameful too and embarrassed. My father died last year from cancer (I am 30 yrs old) and my grandmother died 3 months after him (she took herself to bed and drank wine solidly for 3 months after he died). I feel like my Mum is headed down a dark path but I also understand that there is only so much I can do. I have tried to approach the subject and she says that its pain relief and she is self medicating but at the age of 69 I worry she wont be able to face into this and get recovery, I want to talk to her about AA and I am considering going to Al Anon in the new year for support. Not too sure what I am looking for. Fellow sufferers dealing with this, know I am with you. Its so isolating and upsetting.