I Wonder

I wonder… why don’t you see,
the catastrophic pain inflicted on this family?
The broken relationships, the angst, the fear,
the hatred, the hurt. It’s all so near.

I wonder… what are you blinded by,
a disease so strong to have consumed the light?
Left in darkness, a hole, a blockage you can’t pass.
Please answer me this, how long will it last?

I wonder… when will you say the right things,
to relieve the pain and suffering?
The blank stares, the back turned, in dismay.
Why can’t you face me, not walk away?

I wonder… what do you feel,
something so destructive you cannot reveal?
What’s underlying? What’s in you? What’s really there?
Buried so deep in your core that you cannot bear.

I wonder… how, after all these years,
is it only you that’s capable of reducing me to such anger and tears?
My heart ripped open, beaten, bruised once more.
Bruises fade with time, but for how long can I endure?

I wonder… what runs through your mind,
when you take your first sip, the day pushed behind?
The doors close, slam shut, now you’re locked in.
Tell me mum, are you suffocating?

I wonder… why do you push me away?
I’ve given nothing but support, but you don’t see it this way.
I’m sick to death of the never-ending rejection.
Can’t you see how much I’m craving your love and affection?

I wonder… is this really you,
my mother and a demon, or could it be two?
You are a devoted, generous, nurturing, gentle soul,
completely shattered in an instant when the demon takes hold.

I wonder… why do you continue with the lies and deceit,
when will you give it up? Because you’re not fooling me.
This home, your shield, used as your demon’s playing ground.
We’re pinned down in the shadows, longing to scream aloud.

I wonder… when will you put us first?
The ones in touching distance dealing with your everyday bursts.
We’re bottom of the pecking order, ground down, worn thin.
Everyone else gets the real you. Us, a life in hiding.

I wonder… why can’t you talk,
what’s cutting your throat, squeezing those thoughts?
Trapped below the surface, suppressed inside.
Silence… are you alive?

I wonder… why don’t you want healing,
why can’t you recognise the precious life you are stealing?
I’m powerless, paralysed, watching from a distance,
the tragedy unfolding, the demolition of your existence.

I wonder… when will be the day,
you look me in the eyes, take a deep breath and say;
“I love you darling, and that’s beyond enough for me to stop,
my devastating addiction.” But reality is, it’s not.

I wonder, what?
I wonder, how?
I wonder, why?

But I can’t ask you this, for you’ll tell me a lie.